Days over flowing with joy, sadness, hardship, learning, growing, despair, hope.
Instead of forming a story of this past month, I prefer to put all of the emotions and memories in a jar.
The good times and bad. The joy and sadness. Hope and despair. All of it.
I want to shake it all together, and pull out the experience and lessons that together they create, then share that... instead of the story, with you all.
It has been quite a ride for me, these last bundle of days gone by. But as I shake that jar, I see that the good is balancing out the bad. It is a mountain disguised as a valley.
Though most days it seems I live life crawling just to carry on. I see that I am lifted by arms that I didn't want to see. Carried by a love that I didn't recognize.
My heart is beating, beating for something bigger than myself. That is enough.
9.12.16
12.11.16
Over My Head
In Arizona right now.
I am sitting by the pool, soaking up the warm weather/sunshine.
We have been at our favourite campground for a week now, and are planning on staying another.
I have this, shall we say, love/hate relationship with the doing nothing and just relaxing.
I'm the type of person that likes to be doing things, but I also love just breathing. To have no agenda, no plans other than to take each day as it comes.
These past couple of days have been a bit of a struggle for me, because I have finally been still enough to think.
When I am as still as I have been, and thinking is basically all there is to do, every mountain appears larger. Every giant, more gigantic. Every fear, more fearful. Every situation, more glaring.
Neither is it all bad, because I become more thankful for every blessing. More trusting in the impossible. My faith grows.
I've had such a wide range of emotions.
I have felt stripped down, exposed.
Vulnerable.
Every vacation that we take as a family, I find my true self. This time around, I've not been liking what I am seeing.
I see in me a lot of things that need to be worked on, worked through.
I have a hard time finding my identity.
All of this because there are no distractions.
Just time.
But it is good, because I feel like today, I am finally in a good place. Finally where I can find myself. I can be honest. I can work on my imperfections.
One of my favorite songs right now is called "In Over My Head (Crash Over Me)" by Bethel Music & Jenn Johnson. I have been listening to it over and over these past couple of days, trying to convince myself to apply the truth of the words to my life.
I'll leave you with the song lyrics. Hopefully they speak to you as they have been to me.
I am sitting by the pool, soaking up the warm weather/sunshine.
We have been at our favourite campground for a week now, and are planning on staying another.
I have this, shall we say, love/hate relationship with the doing nothing and just relaxing.
I'm the type of person that likes to be doing things, but I also love just breathing. To have no agenda, no plans other than to take each day as it comes.
These past couple of days have been a bit of a struggle for me, because I have finally been still enough to think.
When I am as still as I have been, and thinking is basically all there is to do, every mountain appears larger. Every giant, more gigantic. Every fear, more fearful. Every situation, more glaring.
Neither is it all bad, because I become more thankful for every blessing. More trusting in the impossible. My faith grows.
I've had such a wide range of emotions.
I have felt stripped down, exposed.
Vulnerable.
Every vacation that we take as a family, I find my true self. This time around, I've not been liking what I am seeing.
I see in me a lot of things that need to be worked on, worked through.
I have a hard time finding my identity.
All of this because there are no distractions.
Just time.
But it is good, because I feel like today, I am finally in a good place. Finally where I can find myself. I can be honest. I can work on my imperfections.
One of my favorite songs right now is called "In Over My Head (Crash Over Me)" by Bethel Music & Jenn Johnson. I have been listening to it over and over these past couple of days, trying to convince myself to apply the truth of the words to my life.
I'll leave you with the song lyrics. Hopefully they speak to you as they have been to me.
I have come to this place in my life
I'm full but I've not satisfied
This longing to have more of You
And I can feel it my heart is convinced
I'm thirsty my soul can't be quenched
You already know this but still
Come and do whatever You want to
I'm standing knee deep but I'm out where I've never been
And I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind
Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in
Let love come teach me who You are again
Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You
And all I wanted was just to be with You
Come and do whatever You want to
And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
Then You crash over me and I've lost control but I'm free
I'm going under, I'm in over my head
Then you crash over me, and that's where You want me to be
I'm going under, I'm in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head
I'm Beautifully in over my head
I'm Beautifully in over my head
I'm full but I've not satisfied
This longing to have more of You
And I can feel it my heart is convinced
I'm thirsty my soul can't be quenched
You already know this but still
Come and do whatever You want to
I'm standing knee deep but I'm out where I've never been
And I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind
Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in
Let love come teach me who You are again
Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You
And all I wanted was just to be with You
Come and do whatever You want to
And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
Then You crash over me and I've lost control but I'm free
I'm going under, I'm in over my head
Then you crash over me, and that's where You want me to be
I'm going under, I'm in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head
I'm Beautifully in over my head
I'm Beautifully in over my head
23.10.16
Muddled
Busy, busy, busy. That was to be my excuse this time.
Yes, we have been busy. Yes, there have been days when I was working non-stop from the moment I woke up, until the moment I went to bed. But there have also been slow days. I guess you could say, life has been muddled. To muddled to come on here and take the time to try to unscramble my thoughts and write something that is comprehendible.
I don't expect life to slow down much. But I do expect that I will be able to handle it all soon. Then I will be back.
Right now we are all getting ready to head out the door and go to church. There are three little boys with bed head that need to be straightened out (hair done!) before that happens, so... I better go.
Love to you all!
Yes, we have been busy. Yes, there have been days when I was working non-stop from the moment I woke up, until the moment I went to bed. But there have also been slow days. I guess you could say, life has been muddled. To muddled to come on here and take the time to try to unscramble my thoughts and write something that is comprehendible.
I don't expect life to slow down much. But I do expect that I will be able to handle it all soon. Then I will be back.
Right now we are all getting ready to head out the door and go to church. There are three little boys with bed head that need to be straightened out (hair done!) before that happens, so... I better go.
Love to you all!
1.10.16
Standing
Life has my heart running in circles lately.
It has been busy, but the good busy. The busy where you still have those precious moments to breathe, to play, to laugh, and to love.
There are moments that I yearn for a change, sometime different than what I have. And then there are those moments, like today, when I find myself away from what I know, and wishing to be back participating in my home life.
Being a single woman my age living at home without an established career is not common around here. Sometimes it is hard for me to be content, because I see expectation of discontentment. Most of the time, I don't care about what others think. But then sometimes I care to much.
There are many days that I ask, "God, did I hear you right?". It seems that standing still is harder than moving forward.
But I firmly believe that I am where I am supposed to be right now. And I will stand strong, fighting off the doubts that try to push me into doing something that I would later regret.
Today I am grateful for the people in my life.
For the love that holds me upright.
It has been busy, but the good busy. The busy where you still have those precious moments to breathe, to play, to laugh, and to love.
There are moments that I yearn for a change, sometime different than what I have. And then there are those moments, like today, when I find myself away from what I know, and wishing to be back participating in my home life.
Being a single woman my age living at home without an established career is not common around here. Sometimes it is hard for me to be content, because I see expectation of discontentment. Most of the time, I don't care about what others think. But then sometimes I care to much.
There are many days that I ask, "God, did I hear you right?". It seems that standing still is harder than moving forward.
But I firmly believe that I am where I am supposed to be right now. And I will stand strong, fighting off the doubts that try to push me into doing something that I would later regret.
Today I am grateful for the people in my life.
For the love that holds me upright.
29.9.16
26.9.16
From My Journal
Be holy.
What exactly does that mean?
First Peter 1:15 says to be holy in all manner of conversation. The greek translation for the word "conversation" is "behavior". So basically, this is a call to be holy. Always.
Then we are back to the question. What is Holy? The greek word defines it as pure, blamesless, religious, consecrated.
How is it possible to always remain pure in a world that is tugging at your heartstrings from all different directions?
God says that no one is perfect. No one is without sin, but am I still supposed to try to be Holy? And if so, what does that look like?
Verse 22 of the same chapter says:
So love is the answer. Being obedient with the help of the Spirit to love without prejudice. Without judgement. Just pure, holy love. That, if it is surrounding my life and touching everything that I do, that will purify my soul.
Love is so powerful. I guess that is why God says He is love. And why He gave us the example of the greatest love, making Himself manifest for me. For everyone.
I can't imagine what our world would look like if everyone had nothing but love in their hearts. Even, just the followers of Christ. What if we all loved like Jesus? What if we all strived to be holy?
What would people say of us then? Would they feel judged? Would they feel like they want what we have?
I think so.
His heart must break to see us not living up to our potential. To see the lives that we could help change through Christ be broken by our lack of love.
How can I love today?
What exactly does that mean?
First Peter 1:15 says to be holy in all manner of conversation. The greek translation for the word "conversation" is "behavior". So basically, this is a call to be holy. Always.
Then we are back to the question. What is Holy? The greek word defines it as pure, blamesless, religious, consecrated.
How is it possible to always remain pure in a world that is tugging at your heartstrings from all different directions?
God says that no one is perfect. No one is without sin, but am I still supposed to try to be Holy? And if so, what does that look like?
Verse 22 of the same chapter says:
Seeing you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit unto unfeigned (undissimulated) love of the brethren, see that you love one another with a pure heart fervently.
So love is the answer. Being obedient with the help of the Spirit to love without prejudice. Without judgement. Just pure, holy love. That, if it is surrounding my life and touching everything that I do, that will purify my soul.
Love is so powerful. I guess that is why God says He is love. And why He gave us the example of the greatest love, making Himself manifest for me. For everyone.
I can't imagine what our world would look like if everyone had nothing but love in their hearts. Even, just the followers of Christ. What if we all loved like Jesus? What if we all strived to be holy?
What would people say of us then? Would they feel judged? Would they feel like they want what we have?
I think so.
His heart must break to see us not living up to our potential. To see the lives that we could help change through Christ be broken by our lack of love.
How can I love today?
25.9.16
Wait for it
I've started a read-through-the-bible-in-a-year program that takes you through the bible thematically. Basically, it will have you read a couple of chapters in the old testament, and then one or two chapters in psalms or the new testament that are related to the old testament text.
I have been really enjoying it because it gives a wider perspective on each chapter.
The other day I read the story of Jacob and Esau and how Esau sold his birthright for a meal from Jacob when he was famished after a hunting trip.
The program then took me to Hebrews, in the twelve chapter. There it warns us not to be like Esau who fell away from holiness and became bitter because he...
After I read these verses, the question came to me. Have I been trading in my "birthright", promise, or blessing from God in for a temporary relief of the hunger that burns within my soul? Do I live for the moment, and miss eternal blessings?
Where in my life am I setting for the quick fix, instead of holding on to what is mine in Christ, knowing that I can get my fill at home if I wait just a little bit longer.
Am I allowing myself to be deceived into thinking that I need to be filled NOW with something that won't last but a few hours?
I don't want to sell myself short.
I want to wait for God and his blessing, His eternal reward.
It so hard for me to look past the fears, and struggles that are right in front of my face. Sometimes I do feel like my soul is starving, and I forget that God desires to fill me up beyond the moment. It just takes a little patience. Maybe some discomfort, but the blessings are always worth waiting for.
I have been really enjoying it because it gives a wider perspective on each chapter.
The other day I read the story of Jacob and Esau and how Esau sold his birthright for a meal from Jacob when he was famished after a hunting trip.
The program then took me to Hebrews, in the twelve chapter. There it warns us not to be like Esau who fell away from holiness and became bitter because he...
"for a morsel of meat sold his birthright. For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears." Hebrews 12:16b-17
After I read these verses, the question came to me. Have I been trading in my "birthright", promise, or blessing from God in for a temporary relief of the hunger that burns within my soul? Do I live for the moment, and miss eternal blessings?
Where in my life am I setting for the quick fix, instead of holding on to what is mine in Christ, knowing that I can get my fill at home if I wait just a little bit longer.
Am I allowing myself to be deceived into thinking that I need to be filled NOW with something that won't last but a few hours?
I don't want to sell myself short.
I want to wait for God and his blessing, His eternal reward.
It so hard for me to look past the fears, and struggles that are right in front of my face. Sometimes I do feel like my soul is starving, and I forget that God desires to fill me up beyond the moment. It just takes a little patience. Maybe some discomfort, but the blessings are always worth waiting for.
24.9.16
Never Alone
It is hard to imagine that I could feel lonely, living a home with my very large family. I guess there is a difference from being alone to feeling lonely.
Today, because of a few circumstances, I was feeling a touch lonely. And a familiar feeling began to overtake my emotions.
I was transported back to a time in my life when I was overwhelmed with the feeling of being all alone. Alone to struggle.
I remembered the heaviness in my spirit. I remembered crying myself to sleep. I remembered screaming and pounding my fists of the barn door as I was resisting being swallowed into that dark hole, the place of no return.
I also remember singing/crying these words as a desperate prayer.
I was holding on for dear life while my hands worked, creating a rhythm with streams of milk.
Though it took a long time for me to find freedom from that bondage, the light began to overtake the darkness in that moment.
For the first time in my life, I was truly beginning to realize that even if I feel completely alone, I am never alone. And even if I can't feel God in those moments of despair, He is there, waiting for me to stretch out my arms in the direction of my loving Father's embrace.
He carried me through those moments, He never let me go.
Today, because of a few circumstances, I was feeling a touch lonely. And a familiar feeling began to overtake my emotions.
I was transported back to a time in my life when I was overwhelmed with the feeling of being all alone. Alone to struggle.
I remembered the heaviness in my spirit. I remembered crying myself to sleep. I remembered screaming and pounding my fists of the barn door as I was resisting being swallowed into that dark hole, the place of no return.
I also remember singing/crying these words as a desperate prayer.
I have You, to take away the pain that I feel.
You take my broken heart and heal.
You fill me up, show me Your true love.
I have You, to give me hope when mine is gone.
Forgive me when I've done wrong.
When I am weak, then I'm strong, and in You I will always belong.
I have You, to bring me through.
I was holding on for dear life while my hands worked, creating a rhythm with streams of milk.
Though it took a long time for me to find freedom from that bondage, the light began to overtake the darkness in that moment.
For the first time in my life, I was truly beginning to realize that even if I feel completely alone, I am never alone. And even if I can't feel God in those moments of despair, He is there, waiting for me to stretch out my arms in the direction of my loving Father's embrace.
He carried me through those moments, He never let me go.
22.9.16
Here Now
Stillness.
It is hard to find living in a house filled with thirteen other souls. Sometimes my heart craves for just a moment.
Then I get that moment, and my heart craves for the busy, the noise again.
Busy is where my heart is.
Busy is where the shared smiles, and the bubbling laughter is.
Loud is where the jokes are played, and the dancing rocks the house.
Love is in this season. I wouldn't trade it for a thousand moments of stillness.
Every day I learn more about loving to be here now. To be where I am. To embrace the toddler that wants to be held for the hundredth time that day. To play a game of cards with the teenagers that grow taller every day.
It won't last forever. One day my heart will break and I'll leave a piece of it at home.
But for now, I am here.
It is hard to find living in a house filled with thirteen other souls. Sometimes my heart craves for just a moment.
Then I get that moment, and my heart craves for the busy, the noise again.
Busy is where my heart is.
Busy is where the shared smiles, and the bubbling laughter is.
Loud is where the jokes are played, and the dancing rocks the house.
Love is in this season. I wouldn't trade it for a thousand moments of stillness.
Every day I learn more about loving to be here now. To be where I am. To embrace the toddler that wants to be held for the hundredth time that day. To play a game of cards with the teenagers that grow taller every day.
It won't last forever. One day my heart will break and I'll leave a piece of it at home.
But for now, I am here.
21.9.16
Peace
Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give it to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
John 14:27
20.9.16
What I Know
One of my favorite songs is called "What I Know" by Trisha Brock. It is a song that I have sung through tears at the lowest moments of my life, sounding the words as a declaration prayer.
The words of the chorus are...
I wonder why it has to happen, I wonder why I have to struggle so.
There are days when there are just questions that don't have answers, and all there is left to hold on to is what I know.
What I know is that God is real.
I know that He always holds me, He always cares, and He always wants what is best for me.
I know that no matter what happens, no matter how hard life gets, He is always there, ready to listen, ready to give me comfort and wisdom at the asking.
I know that He is one whisper away.
What I know is that I am never alone.
I know that I don't walk this life without my God beside me.
When hardship knocks me down, and I remember what I know, it is enough.
His presence is more than enough.
The words of the chorus are...
What I know, is you my God are real, no matter how I feel, you never let me go.Stuff happens in life, and sometimes I'm just like, "What?".
And what I know, is there will never be day you aren't just a breath away.
Through it all I've gotta hold to what I know.
I wonder why it has to happen, I wonder why I have to struggle so.
There are days when there are just questions that don't have answers, and all there is left to hold on to is what I know.
What I know is that God is real.
I know that He always holds me, He always cares, and He always wants what is best for me.
I know that no matter what happens, no matter how hard life gets, He is always there, ready to listen, ready to give me comfort and wisdom at the asking.
I know that He is one whisper away.
What I know is that I am never alone.
I know that I don't walk this life without my God beside me.
When hardship knocks me down, and I remember what I know, it is enough.
His presence is more than enough.
19.9.16
18.9.16
Legacy
When I was a little girl, one of things I looked forward to most was when it was my turn for my Dad's mom, my Grandma, to take me along on her weekly shopping trip.
There are only a few select things that I distinctly remember about these trips.
One was the sound her hands would make when she turned the steering wheel of the vehicle that she was driving, another was being able to buy a pack of gum, we would always go to visit my great-grandmother while she was still alive, and I just remember loving to be with her. One on one.
It has been a long time since we have had time together, just the two of us, but today we got that time again.
I have been learning a lot lately about relationships, and how God uses people to teach us, mold us, and give us opportunity to grow.
I looked at this beautiful woman that I get to call my Grama, and thought "What can I learn from her today?". What type of spiritual legacy will she pass down to her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren?
I heard her speak of the job that she has been working hard at for as long as I can remember. This job involves a lot of love and care for those who cannot care for themselves.
Never once in my life have I heard her complain about this job. If anything, I have seen her love her job.
It hit me then as I heard her talk of retiring, and speak of how bittersweet this would be for her, that sitting in front of me was a beautiful servant's heart. Not only has she selflessly served those in need for so many years, here she was talking about hoping to get another position a couple times a week to help more people.
It was then that I knew... I wanted to be more like her.
Woven into my DNA are little pieces of her ability to love people well.
I am surrounded by strong women, her strength is the silent kind. The kind that sometimes goes unnoticed, or unappreciated.
A servant's heart.
I cannot imagine the lives she has touched through her service and her prayers.
There are only a few select things that I distinctly remember about these trips.
One was the sound her hands would make when she turned the steering wheel of the vehicle that she was driving, another was being able to buy a pack of gum, we would always go to visit my great-grandmother while she was still alive, and I just remember loving to be with her. One on one.
It has been a long time since we have had time together, just the two of us, but today we got that time again.
I have been learning a lot lately about relationships, and how God uses people to teach us, mold us, and give us opportunity to grow.
I looked at this beautiful woman that I get to call my Grama, and thought "What can I learn from her today?". What type of spiritual legacy will she pass down to her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren?
I heard her speak of the job that she has been working hard at for as long as I can remember. This job involves a lot of love and care for those who cannot care for themselves.
Never once in my life have I heard her complain about this job. If anything, I have seen her love her job.
It hit me then as I heard her talk of retiring, and speak of how bittersweet this would be for her, that sitting in front of me was a beautiful servant's heart. Not only has she selflessly served those in need for so many years, here she was talking about hoping to get another position a couple times a week to help more people.
It was then that I knew... I wanted to be more like her.
Woven into my DNA are little pieces of her ability to love people well.
I am surrounded by strong women, her strength is the silent kind. The kind that sometimes goes unnoticed, or unappreciated.
A servant's heart.
I cannot imagine the lives she has touched through her service and her prayers.
16.9.16
Fri-yay
During the summer "holidays" our schedule is all over the place. It is basically non-existent. So when school starts, it is always a bitter sweet moment. Bitter because summer is over. Sweet because schedule is just good. I like schedule, always have.
Today made it all the more sweet, because it was our first Friday.
Fridays are thee best. It has been a rainy day, so we have all been cooped up together, working together, playing together, having the best time together.
Right now we are all being entertained by two (I will mention no names...) brothers attempting to play tennis on the xbox.
It's just being together. Having a big old pizza-and-brownie Friday party. I love it.
I cherish these moments because I know that they will not last forever. I want to engrave these memories in my heart and carry them with me wherever I go.
This family. I love.
Today made it all the more sweet, because it was our first Friday.
Fridays are thee best. It has been a rainy day, so we have all been cooped up together, working together, playing together, having the best time together.
Right now we are all being entertained by two (I will mention no names...) brothers attempting to play tennis on the xbox.
It's just being together. Having a big old pizza-and-brownie Friday party. I love it.
I cherish these moments because I know that they will not last forever. I want to engrave these memories in my heart and carry them with me wherever I go.
This family. I love.
15.9.16
Untouchable
Innocence surrounds this house. Children, miles away from any one person. In our safe haven, it would seem that innocence prevails.
Yet still, somehow, the innocence is not enough to guard against the world and it's wiles. Sometimes joy is stolen for a moment. A hushed sobering moment. Reminding us that we are not untouchable.
No-one is untouchable.
Sin is waiting at everyone's door, playing the knock-knock joke with our lives.
Be vigilant, Christ says. Watch.
Be ready for the battle of temptation to begin. Prepare your soul to wage war with the evil that wants to claim all that you are. To steal away your relationships, your peace, your faith.
We are not untouchable. But we can be ready.
We can arm ourselves with spiritual armor. We can be strong enough to fight and win.
We are not untouchable. We are warriors.
Yet still, somehow, the innocence is not enough to guard against the world and it's wiles. Sometimes joy is stolen for a moment. A hushed sobering moment. Reminding us that we are not untouchable.
No-one is untouchable.
Sin is waiting at everyone's door, playing the knock-knock joke with our lives.
Be vigilant, Christ says. Watch.
Be ready for the battle of temptation to begin. Prepare your soul to wage war with the evil that wants to claim all that you are. To steal away your relationships, your peace, your faith.
We are not untouchable. But we can be ready.
We can arm ourselves with spiritual armor. We can be strong enough to fight and win.
We are not untouchable. We are warriors.
14.9.16
Still you think of me
When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers,
The moon and the stars, which You have ordained,
What is man that You are mindful of him,
The son of man that You visit him?
Psalm 8:3-4
I love this passage of scripture. I feel what this Psalmist is saying.
If you know me, you know that if I am outside when it is a clear night, my eyes will be gazing skyward the whole time.
I feel so awed. So amazed by the creator. And yes, I often feel so small.
How is it that the creator of the sky, the stars, the world, how is it that he thinks of me?
How is it that he wants a relationship with me?
As I look at the stars and once again breathe a prayer of thanks for the beauty that he created, my heart soars. Such powerful love. Such an awesome God.
13.9.16
Change, welcome.
Hello.
It has been a busy day. These past couple of days we have been re-organizing our life as the first day of homeschool approaches. In a large family... this is a large task.
We have also been trying to catch up with all the things that got left out during harvest. Speaking of harvest, Dad and my brothers are out in the field right now trying to get the last of the crop in.
Anyway, now for the walk of shame.
It was silly of me to think that I could keep blogging everyday during harvest. I switched to survival mode about half way through and got stuck there for a couple of weeks. But I am ready to begin again.
The weather changing is reminding me how much I love the season of fall. Mostly because the mosquitoes no longer attack me each time I step out the door (they seem to be especially attracted to my type of blood...). But also because of the crisp air, the falling leaves, the fresh produce from the garden, and the cool nights. Especially the cool nights. Oh, and can we talk about fall clothes? The boots, sweaters, dark colors. So cozy, so in love.
It is crazy how fast summer went by. I feel like we (our family) enjoyed it more than we ever have before. We made so many memories. I guess that may be why I am so willing to welcome fall, and the coming winter this year.
Change is on the horizon. And I'm ready.
It has been a busy day. These past couple of days we have been re-organizing our life as the first day of homeschool approaches. In a large family... this is a large task.
We have also been trying to catch up with all the things that got left out during harvest. Speaking of harvest, Dad and my brothers are out in the field right now trying to get the last of the crop in.
Anyway, now for the walk of shame.
It was silly of me to think that I could keep blogging everyday during harvest. I switched to survival mode about half way through and got stuck there for a couple of weeks. But I am ready to begin again.
The weather changing is reminding me how much I love the season of fall. Mostly because the mosquitoes no longer attack me each time I step out the door (they seem to be especially attracted to my type of blood...). But also because of the crisp air, the falling leaves, the fresh produce from the garden, and the cool nights. Especially the cool nights. Oh, and can we talk about fall clothes? The boots, sweaters, dark colors. So cozy, so in love.
It is crazy how fast summer went by. I feel like we (our family) enjoyed it more than we ever have before. We made so many memories. I guess that may be why I am so willing to welcome fall, and the coming winter this year.
Change is on the horizon. And I'm ready.
29.8.16
Immeasurably more than my imagination
This verse has been on my mind and heart a lot lately.
If you know anything about me, you know that I am a dreamer. I think big about what I want my life to look like in the future.
It is incredible to me that God is able to do immeasurably more than what I could ever dream up. To know that God not only holds my future in His hands, but He also is making it more amazing then I could ever imagine. That gives me hope.
That makes the waiting easier.
28.8.16
So blessed
Whew, that was a long week.
God was smart when He designed a seventh day for us to rest on. By the end of this week of harvest it was needed for us all!
This evening I feel refreshed and so blessed.
I am blessed to have a family that pulls together and works so hard to get the harvest in. There are times out in the fields as we are cracking jokes over the radios that I just smile and breathe. I know that this season in my life won't last forever.
I am blessed to have a church to go to that offers a place to call home. One that you know will have you feeling refreshed, revived, and ready to take on another week of living.
I am blessed to have friends that like to do crazy things like playing soccer with zorbs. Who will bring refreshing in the form of laughter and conversation over a meal of pizza and ice cream.
Now as we are listening and waiting for an evening thunderstorm to pass, I feel so blessed to know that God is in control. That no matter what happens, we can know that His plans are greater than ours.
What has you feeling blessed today?
God was smart when He designed a seventh day for us to rest on. By the end of this week of harvest it was needed for us all!
This evening I feel refreshed and so blessed.
I am blessed to have a family that pulls together and works so hard to get the harvest in. There are times out in the fields as we are cracking jokes over the radios that I just smile and breathe. I know that this season in my life won't last forever.
I am blessed to have a church to go to that offers a place to call home. One that you know will have you feeling refreshed, revived, and ready to take on another week of living.
I am blessed to have friends that like to do crazy things like playing soccer with zorbs. Who will bring refreshing in the form of laughter and conversation over a meal of pizza and ice cream.
Now as we are listening and waiting for an evening thunderstorm to pass, I feel so blessed to know that God is in control. That no matter what happens, we can know that His plans are greater than ours.
What has you feeling blessed today?
24.8.16
23.8.16
22.8.16
Made for More
Yesterday I legit forgot to write. It probably has something to do with the fact that I only got to sleep at two in the morning and then was up again at five. The life of a farm girl.
We are about to head into a full day of harvest, and I have oodles of things to do before then, so I'll leave you with this little quote that I read in a book the other day, and now carry with me wherever I go. It reminds me whenever I am tempted to do things that lead me on the path to less than I could be, that God made me for more. I am strong enough to be more. I don't want to settle for less than who God made me to be.
If you are like me and struggle to be the person that you have always known is locked away inside you by distractions of this world, or bondages in your life. It is time to fight. It is time to break free from whatever holds you back and be more. Because you were made for more.
We are about to head into a full day of harvest, and I have oodles of things to do before then, so I'll leave you with this little quote that I read in a book the other day, and now carry with me wherever I go. It reminds me whenever I am tempted to do things that lead me on the path to less than I could be, that God made me for more. I am strong enough to be more. I don't want to settle for less than who God made me to be.
If you are like me and struggle to be the person that you have always known is locked away inside you by distractions of this world, or bondages in your life. It is time to fight. It is time to break free from whatever holds you back and be more. Because you were made for more.
20.8.16
He knows
You know the struggle.
Those things in you life that you find yourself battling with over and over again.
The temptations that follow you around, and don't ever seem to leave no matter how many times you overcome it.
I don't know about you, but I used to have this shame when it came to my struggle. When I would realized that I had fallen again, not only was I sorry, but I was deeply ashamed, so much so that I would ignore God for days, sometimes months because I didn't think He would want to hear from me. I had failed Him again.
I learned over the years that not only does Jesus want to forgive us and set us back on the path, He understands. He has been through temptation himself, and though he has never sinned... He knows how hard it is to go through it.
Hebrews 4:14-16 says;
He endured temptation for us. So He could better understand what we go through and can sympathize with us. Isn't that amazing?
I learned that, yes, I should feel sorry when I have sinned, and fallen away from righteousness. But not only do I have a God that is merciful and willing to give us the grace I need, I also have a God that knows. And because of this, I can come boldly to Him to set things right. To ask for His mercy and grace, and to continue.
Those things in you life that you find yourself battling with over and over again.
The temptations that follow you around, and don't ever seem to leave no matter how many times you overcome it.
I don't know about you, but I used to have this shame when it came to my struggle. When I would realized that I had fallen again, not only was I sorry, but I was deeply ashamed, so much so that I would ignore God for days, sometimes months because I didn't think He would want to hear from me. I had failed Him again.
I learned over the years that not only does Jesus want to forgive us and set us back on the path, He understands. He has been through temptation himself, and though he has never sinned... He knows how hard it is to go through it.
Hebrews 4:14-16 says;
For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.
Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain MERCY and find GRACE to help in time of need.
He endured temptation for us. So He could better understand what we go through and can sympathize with us. Isn't that amazing?
I learned that, yes, I should feel sorry when I have sinned, and fallen away from righteousness. But not only do I have a God that is merciful and willing to give us the grace I need, I also have a God that knows. And because of this, I can come boldly to Him to set things right. To ask for His mercy and grace, and to continue.
19.8.16
It's time
It is harvest time. And it is probably not a very good time to commit to writing on this blog every day, but it is time.
I can say that I have been avoiding writing for the past while. Basically because there have been a lot of things going on in my heart that I wasn't ready to share.
We all go through seasons in our life, and this season I had to fight a lot of doubt.
I doubted where I stood in my faith, I doubted the things that believe.
Coming through stronger than ever, I have a renewed passion for sharing the things that I have learned along the way.
So, here goes, I will visit this blog every day.
I may only post a quote, or a verse that inspired me, but I will post none the less.
I am excited to be back at it again!
I can say that I have been avoiding writing for the past while. Basically because there have been a lot of things going on in my heart that I wasn't ready to share.
We all go through seasons in our life, and this season I had to fight a lot of doubt.
I doubted where I stood in my faith, I doubted the things that believe.
Coming through stronger than ever, I have a renewed passion for sharing the things that I have learned along the way.
So, here goes, I will visit this blog every day.
I may only post a quote, or a verse that inspired me, but I will post none the less.
I am excited to be back at it again!
9.6.16
06•09•16
It has been awhile since my thoughts have reached this blog site. I am being honest when I say that I have been very busy and have just not had the time.
But there are some things that I am working on making time for, and I believe that this blog is one of them.
I sure didn't plan on neglecting it when it started! But, that is the thing with plans, they don't always work out the way that we expected them to!
This evening I was feeling a bit discouraged. There is something that God has put on my heart to do, to surrender something that I have been holding on to so tightly. You could go so far as to call it an idol in my life.
I felt myself begin to take the path of escape, running away from what I knew God wanted me to do. As I was still this evening I recognized what I was doing and knew that I needed to stop before things got out of hand.
Still I argued with God, the thing He is asking me to do is not easy.
It was denying my flesh, right in the place where it would hurt the most.
I could feel though, that something was missing from my life. Things have been going well, and I have made huge strides in the right direction these past couple of months, yet I felt like there was another step I needed to take. To go to the next level.
As I was thinking about all of this, I opened my bible and read these verses from 1 Peter 4:1-2...
Forasmuch then as Christ has suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves likewise with the same mind: for He that hath suffered in the flesh hath ceased from sin.
That he no longer should live in the rest of his time in the flesh to the lusts of men, but to the will of God.
It just hit me, God was saying that yes, denying myself may cause suffering... But that suffering will lead me to His will. And that is the thing I have been seeking these past couple of months.
Tonight I decided to finally surrender, that I might have a better ending.
Maybe there is something in your life that God has been calling you to do, but you have put it off because it is painful. Just keep in mind as I have tonight that God only asks us to do things that will bring blessing into our lives. Yes, maybe painful when you are walking through it, but joy waits for you on the other side.
30.4.16
Breathe
When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers,
The moon and the stars, which You have ordained,
What is man that you are mindful of him,
and the son of man that You visit him?
I read this passage of scripture this morning from Psalms chapter eight.
As
I was doing the chores outside a little later, I stopped in the middle
of the corral while checking the cows and was still for a moment.
The
sun, warmed my face. The birds sang in the trees. Geese flew above me
making a noise about something that disturbed their resting place.
Tractors rumbled, headed to the fields for another long day of work.
Cows munched on hay as they ate their breakfast. The wind blew softly,
making music in the branches of the evergreens.
I breathed.
I thanked God for another beautiful day.
I remembered that the God who made all of this beauty that I was able to stop and enjoy, was the same God that thinks of me.
My heart was happy.
23.4.16
Can't Cry
When I was a teenager, I was a crier. Any emotion I felt would come out in tears. I couldn't have a serious conversation without bawling. If a pet died, I cried without shame. If I was having a bad day, I would cry and just let it all out. And I was always the first to cry during touching scenes in movies.
Then I grew up and tried to be strong. I really don't know how it happened, but tears became rare. To me, tears were a sign of weakness, and I didn't like to feel weak.
Tears are thoughts worn on the face. Tears are vulnerability. Tears are feelings.
There was a time in my life when I didn't want to feel anything. So I shut off the emotion and the tears stopped flowing.
But that came with a price.
Tears can show the emotion of joy and sorrow.
Sure, I didn't feel the pain, but I also didn't feel the joy.
I think one of the darkest moments in my life was when I found that I couldn't cry anymore. So long had I trained my soul to blot out the showing of any emotion that part of me died.
It's not so much about the tears. It was just a symbol in my life that physically showed the kind of hurt that I was going through.
In shutting out feelings I was shutting out all that God wanted to teach me. Instead of living life with a purpose, I was just living life.
I still struggle to show emotion. But slowly, this heart is thawing, and God is resurrecting in me things that I thought I would never get back.
Then I grew up and tried to be strong. I really don't know how it happened, but tears became rare. To me, tears were a sign of weakness, and I didn't like to feel weak.
Tears are thoughts worn on the face. Tears are vulnerability. Tears are feelings.
There was a time in my life when I didn't want to feel anything. So I shut off the emotion and the tears stopped flowing.
But that came with a price.
Tears can show the emotion of joy and sorrow.
Sure, I didn't feel the pain, but I also didn't feel the joy.
I think one of the darkest moments in my life was when I found that I couldn't cry anymore. So long had I trained my soul to blot out the showing of any emotion that part of me died.
It's not so much about the tears. It was just a symbol in my life that physically showed the kind of hurt that I was going through.
In shutting out feelings I was shutting out all that God wanted to teach me. Instead of living life with a purpose, I was just living life.
I still struggle to show emotion. But slowly, this heart is thawing, and God is resurrecting in me things that I thought I would never get back.
16.4.16
Her Story
She looked past the darkness and heard a voice say, "Return to me".
Though many other voices surrounding her called to her soul, she was drawn to the one who spoke life alone.
She took one step and He came running. She fell to her knees and shielded her eyes from the glorious light that was drawing near her. She could hardly stand the weight of His nearness, she didn't deserve this grace, her shame pushed her to the ground and caused doubt to overtake her heart.
Though her eyes were covered, she could feel His presence, His love, and she cried.
"How could you love me still?", she whispered, still afraid to surrender, to fall into the arms that she knew were open wide.
He would not force her to come, but would continue to shower her with the knowledge of what her life could be like in Him, and overwhelm her with His mercy.
"Let me return and fix the mess I've made, then I will be ready."
"My child, I want you as you are. It is when you are weak that I am strong. Come, and let me heal your brokenness."
She opened her eyes, and the warm glow of a smile shone on her face as she finally surrendered and melted into His embrace.
He smiled down on her as he gathered her tears.
Though many other voices surrounding her called to her soul, she was drawn to the one who spoke life alone.
She took one step and He came running. She fell to her knees and shielded her eyes from the glorious light that was drawing near her. She could hardly stand the weight of His nearness, she didn't deserve this grace, her shame pushed her to the ground and caused doubt to overtake her heart.
Though her eyes were covered, she could feel His presence, His love, and she cried.
"How could you love me still?", she whispered, still afraid to surrender, to fall into the arms that she knew were open wide.
He would not force her to come, but would continue to shower her with the knowledge of what her life could be like in Him, and overwhelm her with His mercy.
"Let me return and fix the mess I've made, then I will be ready."
"My child, I want you as you are. It is when you are weak that I am strong. Come, and let me heal your brokenness."
She opened her eyes, and the warm glow of a smile shone on her face as she finally surrendered and melted into His embrace.
He smiled down on her as he gathered her tears.
4.3.16
Be Willing
I was reading in Exodus today. You know all of those verses that talk about building the tabernacle, telling how wide this is and what material to use to create that. Well, I found a gem in there today.
There is a portion of scripture in the middle of all that, where God asks Moses to tell everyone that is willing to donate items, money, and time to the cause of building the tabernacle. The emphasis on "willing" was very obvious and repetitive.
Looking at my life, I have noticed that I have been in a place where I am basically waiting for God to force me to surrender. Like, begging God to make me give myself fully to Him.
But this morning, I had an epiphany. What God wants from me is willingness. He doesn't need a puppet. He won't force me to surrender and be obedient, even if that is what I pray for.
A willing heart is the first step into building the tabernacle of a life useful for God's glory.
He calls for me to willingly lay all that I have at His feet; so He can use it to bring good in my life.
A willing heart is faith. Faith that God knows what He is buildng and that it will be good.
He is a good Father.
His calling is persistent, but gentle.
He will not force me into surrender, but He will not give up on me either.
There is a portion of scripture in the middle of all that, where God asks Moses to tell everyone that is willing to donate items, money, and time to the cause of building the tabernacle. The emphasis on "willing" was very obvious and repetitive.
Looking at my life, I have noticed that I have been in a place where I am basically waiting for God to force me to surrender. Like, begging God to make me give myself fully to Him.
But this morning, I had an epiphany. What God wants from me is willingness. He doesn't need a puppet. He won't force me to surrender and be obedient, even if that is what I pray for.
A willing heart is the first step into building the tabernacle of a life useful for God's glory.
He calls for me to willingly lay all that I have at His feet; so He can use it to bring good in my life.
A willing heart is faith. Faith that God knows what He is buildng and that it will be good.
He is a good Father.
His calling is persistent, but gentle.
He will not force me into surrender, but He will not give up on me either.
1.3.16
6.2.16
His promise
Let me be honest. I have a hard time finishing things. I am the type of person who will make a good start, go strong for a while, then loose focus and quit.
That is not fun for me to admit. And right now, it is my resolution to learn how to see things through to the end. To commit one hundred percent.
It is painfully obvious that this blog is the thing that I am first to give up on when things get tough.
I look back at the way I have been living life these past couple of months and am like, woah girl. You can do way better.
There is so much happy that I am passing by because of my refusal to be all in.
Thank God for His promise. I take a trip down the lane of my memory and see His work. But I have so far to go.
Just knowing that He is not finished with me yet gives me hope.
29.1.16
Setting the Standard
You know the typical chick flick movie.
Girl wonders if prince charming exists, or if he is simply a fictional being living in the hopeful mind.
Girl almost finds herself settling for less than the best when suddenly appears prince charming himself. Though there is always a happy ending, the question remains throughout the movie, "Is this real?".
And it is the question that many single people ask. Is the one I am dreaming of real? Or should I lower my standards and just marry second best because of the doubt that he/she actually exists.
Standards. I've got some. And I think it is healthy for single people who desire marriage to figure out what is important to them when it comes to the person that they want to spend the rest of their lives with.
Some people would say that my standards are high. And I guess they are. It may be a lot for me to expect a guy to be big enough to put his heart on the line to tell my family about his feelings for the girl that he wants to get to know. Especially considering that I have quite a few brothers looking out for me. ;)
But this is what is important to me. Because it is the best way for me to know without a doubt that he cares about me. And having my families support and input is the best way for me to be able to see beyond my heart's feelings and to see what is really there. Right from the beginning.
If there is anything that I have learned from viewing other relationships it is this - don't stray from your standards. No matter how impossibly high they may seem to be.
Pray about them, change them only if God leads you to. Stand firm. Don't let the fear of growing old without meeting that special someone blind you. Trust Him. I promise it will be worth the wait.
Beyond the standards there are desires. Certain things that may not really matter a whole lot, are not a deal breaker so-to-speak, but are what you really hope for.
My brother-in-law Henry has an amazing testimony about how God brought his wife (my sister obvs.) into his life. And how, even though he had to wait longer than he planned, he got what he prayed for.
*If you want to listen to his story go to lighthouse podcasts and listen to the one titled "Testimony of Marriage"*
One of the things that he has taught me is not to be afraid to tell God what you want. Those things that you hope for, big or small, nothing is impossible for Him. Ask God to mold your future spouse.
It may sound selfish, but if you were a father, wouldn't you want your children to tell you what they want? We were not made to be mindless. He gave us desires.
Then turn it around. Those things that God is tugging on your heart to do/change...could that be what your future spouse is praying for? I think about this often when I feel that nudge.
God is preparing you, He is preparing me.
We can only imagine what He has in store for those who patiently wait, and seek Him in the waiting.
Girl wonders if prince charming exists, or if he is simply a fictional being living in the hopeful mind.
Girl almost finds herself settling for less than the best when suddenly appears prince charming himself. Though there is always a happy ending, the question remains throughout the movie, "Is this real?".
And it is the question that many single people ask. Is the one I am dreaming of real? Or should I lower my standards and just marry second best because of the doubt that he/she actually exists.
Standards. I've got some. And I think it is healthy for single people who desire marriage to figure out what is important to them when it comes to the person that they want to spend the rest of their lives with.
Some people would say that my standards are high. And I guess they are. It may be a lot for me to expect a guy to be big enough to put his heart on the line to tell my family about his feelings for the girl that he wants to get to know. Especially considering that I have quite a few brothers looking out for me. ;)
But this is what is important to me. Because it is the best way for me to know without a doubt that he cares about me. And having my families support and input is the best way for me to be able to see beyond my heart's feelings and to see what is really there. Right from the beginning.
If there is anything that I have learned from viewing other relationships it is this - don't stray from your standards. No matter how impossibly high they may seem to be.
Pray about them, change them only if God leads you to. Stand firm. Don't let the fear of growing old without meeting that special someone blind you. Trust Him. I promise it will be worth the wait.
Beyond the standards there are desires. Certain things that may not really matter a whole lot, are not a deal breaker so-to-speak, but are what you really hope for.
My brother-in-law Henry has an amazing testimony about how God brought his wife (my sister obvs.) into his life. And how, even though he had to wait longer than he planned, he got what he prayed for.
*If you want to listen to his story go to lighthouse podcasts and listen to the one titled "Testimony of Marriage"*
One of the things that he has taught me is not to be afraid to tell God what you want. Those things that you hope for, big or small, nothing is impossible for Him. Ask God to mold your future spouse.
It may sound selfish, but if you were a father, wouldn't you want your children to tell you what they want? We were not made to be mindless. He gave us desires.
Then turn it around. Those things that God is tugging on your heart to do/change...could that be what your future spouse is praying for? I think about this often when I feel that nudge.
God is preparing you, He is preparing me.
We can only imagine what He has in store for those who patiently wait, and seek Him in the waiting.
27.1.16
Fail a thousand times
These past couple of days I have learned reluctantly. Have you ever woken up one morning and decided that this day would be your day to get everything right. To jump on that wagon and be the perfect human being that you have always wanted to be?
That was me, on Monday, of course.
Truth? The day was amazing. But what I expected was that the day would catapult me into the beginning of happily ever after.
Little did I know, God was setting me up for failure.
That sounds harsh doesn't it? Before just a few minutes ago I would be like... no way. It is always God's desire for me to succeed, to be a winner against the battles that I face in my life.
But he whispered into my heart today, "Sometimes you just need to fail."
I learned that this failure was His grace.
I see it now.
If I had continued to find success in my strength, I would have been running down the same road that I have been running for years. It is a road that leads to nothing but short term victory and long term disappointment.
What God needs from me is to see that I can't. To see that on my own, I am a failure. To recognize my weakness. To realize how much I need Him.
I know that He wants me to find freedom. But God wants my freedom to stick. The only way that I will find that is by walking through the fire day by day, holding His hand. Allowing Him to mold me into the person that I am trying to become. Going through the process of change while drawing closer to His heart.
My weakness is for my own good. Because God wants to show His power through my life. My failures... needed, because I need to see that His way is the only way.
Today, I will gladly trade my feeble attempts for His glorious strength and guidance.
That was me, on Monday, of course.
Truth? The day was amazing. But what I expected was that the day would catapult me into the beginning of happily ever after.
Little did I know, God was setting me up for failure.
That sounds harsh doesn't it? Before just a few minutes ago I would be like... no way. It is always God's desire for me to succeed, to be a winner against the battles that I face in my life.
But he whispered into my heart today, "Sometimes you just need to fail."
I learned that this failure was His grace.
I see it now.
If I had continued to find success in my strength, I would have been running down the same road that I have been running for years. It is a road that leads to nothing but short term victory and long term disappointment.
What God needs from me is to see that I can't. To see that on my own, I am a failure. To recognize my weakness. To realize how much I need Him.
I know that He wants me to find freedom. But God wants my freedom to stick. The only way that I will find that is by walking through the fire day by day, holding His hand. Allowing Him to mold me into the person that I am trying to become. Going through the process of change while drawing closer to His heart.
My weakness is for my own good. Because God wants to show His power through my life. My failures... needed, because I need to see that His way is the only way.
Today, I will gladly trade my feeble attempts for His glorious strength and guidance.
Let me fail a thousand times,
if that is what I need.
Let me lose these dreams of mine,
if I need to taste defeat.
You walk me through the fire,
until I see the heart of Your desire.
You came to me.
And through these dark and raging seas.
Your grace has not abandoned me.
And for these storms, I thank my God.
For the drove me to the solid rock.
From the shipwreck of my life,
you build a truer heart.
In my brokenness you shine,
my loss is where you start.
To form in me your will,
until my love is a reflection of
Your love for me.
You pursue those You love.
And we have no need to fear,
for these storms will draw us near
to You.
~Unspoken; Solid Rock ~
23.1.16
No complaining
You know those days when you find yourself complaining about your circumstances? Maybe not always out loud. Maybe you keep it to your thoughts. Today was one of those days for me.
I found a lot to complain about, somehow.
Somehow I was complaining though I have a roof over my head.
Though I had more than enough food to eat and am about to crawl into a warm bed.
Though I have a lot of love to share, and a lot of people to share it with.
Though I was able to wiggle my toes and touch my nose.
Though I have never lost someone I care deeply about.
Though I have a healthy body.
Though I can smile, and talk, and laugh.
Though I serve a God who has given me all of these things.
Still I complained.
I can breathe, that is a gift.
That is enough for thanksgiving.
How could I complain?
My little brother asked me tonight "Is heaven like a dream?"; "What does God sound like?"; and "Will I be able to see God? Or just hear Him?"
His questions reminded me that My future includes taking up residence in heaven, which will be more real than a dream. I will be able to meet the God I love face to face. I have that to look forward to.
How could I complain?
21.1.16
01/21/16
I just began a read-the-bible-in-90-days thingy.
The schedule is in chronological order, which is kinda annoying and interesting all at the same time. Annoying because you are reading a lot of the same stories over and over in the same reading. And interesting because it gives you a better perspective and deeper insight.
Anyway, because of this, I was reading like a million chapters in Job.
I was reading out loud (my mind likes to wander, and it is easier for me to grasp the meaning of the words when I am reading slowly and aloud) and the story kind of hit me differently than it ever has. Usually I find the story of Job to be, well, you know... maybe a bit boring. I mean, thirty some chapters of arguing and lamenting can do that. But this time around, I found the dialog to be captivating, and surprisingly humorous. I don't know why, but on a few occasions some of the things that were said had me laughing.
There were so many gems that I stole away while reading this book, to many to share now. But I just want to focus on one.
That is the question "why?".
Why does God allow bad things to happen to innocent people?
The issue that Job had was that he didn't understand. He didn't understand why God would allow all of these things to happen to him when he knew that he was innocent. His friends tried to convince him that the reasoning was in some big sin that Job committed in his life that God was punishing him for. But Job knew it wasn't so.
Yet, he still didn't know why. That had him in despair so deep that he cursed the day he was born and just wanted to die.
Growing up in an environment that you could call perfect, we don't really see on a first hand basis the real suffering in this world. It wasn't until later in my life that I was awakened to it and began seeing the suffering, especially that of the innocents in this world.
Reading the story of Job made me recall these times that I put faces to the suffering.
Seeing a picture of a perfect, beautiful baby boy that was killed by an illegal late term abortion. I cried for days.
Giving a hug to an elderly woman who was starving for love, without family during the holidays.
Holding the hand of a little girl who had been taken in by foster parents and seeing the reserved pain in her big sister's eyes.
Reading Dickens. The compelling way he writes his stories bring the suffering children to life, especially with the knowledge that he wrote from real life experience.
Hearing the orphan's story from a dear family that welcomed them into their home recently.
The innocent. The helpless.
The unanswered question.
Then God speaks.
He says, where were you when I made the earth?
Can you make the rain or snow? Can you tell the lightening where to go?
Who gives the birds their food? Who sees the sparrow fall?
Who is the one that numbers the hairs on your head?
Do we need to know why? Or can we just be like Job, who after God finishes speaking says "I know that you can do everything, and that no thought can be withholden from you. I have uttered what I did not understand. things to wonderful for me, which I did not know."
Can we have faith enough to offer up the suffering of other's to God and then trust Him to know?
He is holding the innocent along with the answers to all of our questions.
He holds all of our lives close to His heart.
For me, it is enough to know that God's got this.
To know that He can do everything. And He knows what He is doing, no matter what happens.
And you know, the story of Job has a happy ending.
The schedule is in chronological order, which is kinda annoying and interesting all at the same time. Annoying because you are reading a lot of the same stories over and over in the same reading. And interesting because it gives you a better perspective and deeper insight.
Anyway, because of this, I was reading like a million chapters in Job.
I was reading out loud (my mind likes to wander, and it is easier for me to grasp the meaning of the words when I am reading slowly and aloud) and the story kind of hit me differently than it ever has. Usually I find the story of Job to be, well, you know... maybe a bit boring. I mean, thirty some chapters of arguing and lamenting can do that. But this time around, I found the dialog to be captivating, and surprisingly humorous. I don't know why, but on a few occasions some of the things that were said had me laughing.
There were so many gems that I stole away while reading this book, to many to share now. But I just want to focus on one.
That is the question "why?".
Why does God allow bad things to happen to innocent people?
The issue that Job had was that he didn't understand. He didn't understand why God would allow all of these things to happen to him when he knew that he was innocent. His friends tried to convince him that the reasoning was in some big sin that Job committed in his life that God was punishing him for. But Job knew it wasn't so.
Yet, he still didn't know why. That had him in despair so deep that he cursed the day he was born and just wanted to die.
Growing up in an environment that you could call perfect, we don't really see on a first hand basis the real suffering in this world. It wasn't until later in my life that I was awakened to it and began seeing the suffering, especially that of the innocents in this world.
Reading the story of Job made me recall these times that I put faces to the suffering.
Seeing a picture of a perfect, beautiful baby boy that was killed by an illegal late term abortion. I cried for days.
Giving a hug to an elderly woman who was starving for love, without family during the holidays.
Holding the hand of a little girl who had been taken in by foster parents and seeing the reserved pain in her big sister's eyes.
Reading Dickens. The compelling way he writes his stories bring the suffering children to life, especially with the knowledge that he wrote from real life experience.
Hearing the orphan's story from a dear family that welcomed them into their home recently.
The innocent. The helpless.
The unanswered question.
Then God speaks.
He says, where were you when I made the earth?
Can you make the rain or snow? Can you tell the lightening where to go?
Who gives the birds their food? Who sees the sparrow fall?
Who is the one that numbers the hairs on your head?
Do we need to know why? Or can we just be like Job, who after God finishes speaking says "I know that you can do everything, and that no thought can be withholden from you. I have uttered what I did not understand. things to wonderful for me, which I did not know."
Can we have faith enough to offer up the suffering of other's to God and then trust Him to know?
He is holding the innocent along with the answers to all of our questions.
He holds all of our lives close to His heart.
For me, it is enough to know that God's got this.
To know that He can do everything. And He knows what He is doing, no matter what happens.
And you know, the story of Job has a happy ending.
19.1.16
Smile
I Smile.
Even though I hurt see I smile.
I know God is working so I smile.
Even though I've been here for a while, I smile.
(Kirk Franklin)
(Kirk Franklin)
18.1.16
Just Sing
"Jen, I have found that if you sing when you are weak, your voice gets stronger."
Those were words that my sis spoke to me a couple of days ago. She has been going through some health struggles that had affected her voice, and she explained to me that she could feel her voice get stronger the more she sang, even though her voice was so weak to begin with.
After she said it I was like, wow. That was profound.
How true is it that when we are at our weakest, and we choose to sing despite our pain and lack of strength, we become stronger.
It is a hard thing to do though. It is way easier to live life loud when you are on a mountain.
It is easier to praise, to be a light to others and to show Christ and to keep living His dream for you when you have it all together.
These past couple of months, and even now, I have just wanted to hide because I felt ashamed that I was "off the wagon" if you will. I didn't have anything together.
I wondered how I could write posts that are inspirational when I was just trying to survive day by day. I didn't want to be false, or worse... a hypocrite.
But the biggest lesson I am learning right now is that it is better to try than to hide. Yes, I might make a mess, but my mess is okay.
I am coming to find more and more that I don't need to have it all together all the time. Sometimes our voice speaks louder when we can say that we are struggling, because others can relate to our struggle.
And you know, when you reach out, be obedient, God is right there. If we simply sing through our weakness, we can become stronger.
Those were words that my sis spoke to me a couple of days ago. She has been going through some health struggles that had affected her voice, and she explained to me that she could feel her voice get stronger the more she sang, even though her voice was so weak to begin with.
After she said it I was like, wow. That was profound.
How true is it that when we are at our weakest, and we choose to sing despite our pain and lack of strength, we become stronger.
It is a hard thing to do though. It is way easier to live life loud when you are on a mountain.
It is easier to praise, to be a light to others and to show Christ and to keep living His dream for you when you have it all together.
These past couple of months, and even now, I have just wanted to hide because I felt ashamed that I was "off the wagon" if you will. I didn't have anything together.
I wondered how I could write posts that are inspirational when I was just trying to survive day by day. I didn't want to be false, or worse... a hypocrite.
But the biggest lesson I am learning right now is that it is better to try than to hide. Yes, I might make a mess, but my mess is okay.
I am coming to find more and more that I don't need to have it all together all the time. Sometimes our voice speaks louder when we can say that we are struggling, because others can relate to our struggle.
And you know, when you reach out, be obedient, God is right there. If we simply sing through our weakness, we can become stronger.
17.1.16
Dancing Diamonds
When music is played in our home, all the little bodies are attracted to the sound. More often than not (when the volume is high), there will be a dance party with little feet jumping, tapping (sometimes cartwheeling), hands swaying, and voices lifted to the tune of our favorite songs.
As often is the case, the kids get stuck on a few upbeat songs and will play them over and over until one of us older people will forbid the change of song "lest we go crazy!"
But there are days that I am the one that will place a song on repeat. Sometimes to dance around the house with the little people, sometimes to just let the lyrics sink into my soul.
Lately "Diamonds" by Hawk Nelson has been the song.
It is a message that I need in this season.
Here and now I'm in the fire,
In above my head
Being held under the pressure,
Don't know what'll be left
But it's here in the ashes
I'm finding treasure
He's making diamonds, diamonds
Making diamonds out of dust
He is refining in His timing
He's making diamonds out of us
I'll surrender to the power
Of being crushed by love
Till the beauty that was hidden
Isn't covered up
Oh it's not what I hoped for
It's something much better
Oh the joy of the Lord
It will be my strength
When the pressure is on
He's making diamonds
I won't be afraid to shine
Cause He's making diamonds out of dust
Making diamonds out of us
16.1.16
Returned
I messed up.
This was the biggest reason that I was afraid to start this blog. Because I know myself. I am an all in or all out kind of a girl and I knew that if I hit a rough patch, I would shut down and not write here.
The truth is, I did not write anywhere. For the first time since I was a ten year old girl scribbling the day's events in my little notebook, I did not write for over two months.
Being a person that writes to figure out my feelings, to communicate with God, to let out thoughts that I cannot share with anyone, it has been a stifling season.
Every day I thought about writing. But every day I ignored the desire in order that I could flee the process of feeling, deeply feeling. Instead I stuffed everything. I just wanted to survive. So all of the things that make me feel, make me hurt, I ran away from.
To be honest, now looking back, I can see that I have missed out on an amazing journey that God was wanting to walk me through. One that would have made me stronger and caused me to grow so much in my faith, and in becoming who He called me to be. Now I know that the pain I could have been feeling was pain that would have made gold in my life.
I regret hiding.
But now it is time for me to do more than regret. It is time to breech the wall that I put up and say "yes" again. To once again surrender my life to be part of God's plan.
This was the biggest reason that I was afraid to start this blog. Because I know myself. I am an all in or all out kind of a girl and I knew that if I hit a rough patch, I would shut down and not write here.
The truth is, I did not write anywhere. For the first time since I was a ten year old girl scribbling the day's events in my little notebook, I did not write for over two months.
Being a person that writes to figure out my feelings, to communicate with God, to let out thoughts that I cannot share with anyone, it has been a stifling season.
Every day I thought about writing. But every day I ignored the desire in order that I could flee the process of feeling, deeply feeling. Instead I stuffed everything. I just wanted to survive. So all of the things that make me feel, make me hurt, I ran away from.
To be honest, now looking back, I can see that I have missed out on an amazing journey that God was wanting to walk me through. One that would have made me stronger and caused me to grow so much in my faith, and in becoming who He called me to be. Now I know that the pain I could have been feeling was pain that would have made gold in my life.
I regret hiding.
But now it is time for me to do more than regret. It is time to breech the wall that I put up and say "yes" again. To once again surrender my life to be part of God's plan.
But He knows the way that I take:
when He has tried me, I will come forth as gold.
Job 23:10
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