2 Corinthians 12:9

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness."

Therefore most gladly will I rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

No squirrels

The animated movie "Up" has frequented our television screen. If you have never seen it, it is an adorable film about a cute little old man who, after loosing his wife, is being forced to move out of the home where they shared their life together, into a retirement home. Instead of allowing all of his memories to be destroyed, he attaches helium balloons to his chimney and flies away with his house to reach a place that he and his wife always dreamed of living together.
During his "flight" he encounters and interacts with dogs that are able to talk with special collars that their master "cue... the villain" made for them.

Whenever the dogs would see a squirrel, even if it was in mid sentence they would yell "SQUIRREL" and then stare at it (or... The direction they think they saw it) for a few moments before continuing with their conversation.
They were also so easily distracted by tennis balls and treats... it is hilarious, you just have to see it. :)

Anyway, there is a point to this ramble. :)
My thoughts about animated movies and my life ran together this evening and I saw the similarity of myself and those dogs.

Last week I was doing so good. You know, focused. On track both spiritually and physically.
Then, I allowed these fleeting pleasures distract me, and pull my attention away from the direction that I was going.
Like those dogs who totally messed up by chasing after tennis balls instead of being obedient to their master, I messed things up by chasing after something smaller than the plan that God has for me.
Distractions that have me mesmerized until I snap back into reality and realize that I am running after something that brings no purpose and gives no life.

It is so easy to get caught up in those "squirrel" moments. To have my attention drawn away from the path God has me on and to lose focus.

This past week I have been chasing after tennis balls, but is time to get back to being the person I know I am called to be.

Fear of Failure

I was at a leadership and volunteer refuel day that was put on by our church today. During which one of the topics that was spoken on by our speaker was the topic of failure.
I became uncomfortably aware of how great my fear of failure is. I can recount so many instances in my life where I didn't do something that I know God was prompting me to do because I was so afraid of what others will think of me... should I fail.
I know that I am held back from being the person that I could be, the best version of myself because of this fear.
When I take a step back and look at it from the perspective of a greater picture I wonder how I could allow this to completely take over a moment. To dictate what I do, and to steal the things I could be missing out on.
The truth is that if I never do anything, sure, I will never fail. But I also will never succeed.

I have been on a journey to finding who I am in Christ. This afternoon I found another piece to that puzzle. I found something more that I need to work on in my life.

From a book I love...

"The Creator made the world a cooperative enterprise. In order for it to be that way, God had to give us the privilege of going His way or of refusing to go His way."

"But how? How do we go His way?"

"He is specific about that." She ticked the points off on her fingers: "'Love ye your enemies'...'Do good'...'Be ye therefore merciful'... 'Judge not'... 'Forgive'... And best of all, 'Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over shall men give into your bosom.' A great promise to claim!"

"What do you mean by 'claim'?'

The Quaker lady was silent for a moment. I had the impression that she was not so much thinking as listening. Then she said, "You've heard of 'staking a claim' in the old frontier days?"

"Yes."

"There was lots of rich land available back then, But in order to get any for himself, each man had to move out and claim what he wanted. If he didn't make that move, then for him nothing happened.

"This isn't a perfect analogy, but perhaps it will help to explain... God has all kinds of riches for all of us. Not just spiritual riches either. His promises in the Bible are His way of telling us what's available. But this plenty doesn't become ours until we drive in our stake on a particular promise and thus indicate that we accept that gift. That, Christy, is 'claiming.'"

"This is all new to me," I told her. "I like it." 

~ Excerpt from the book "Christy" (pg. 99+100) by Catherine Marshall

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things that matter

One crazy mess of a day.
That would be the description of this one.

I had a list marking how I would spend each moment, but by the end of the day each task was scribbled out and the time slot filled with things that I did not plan.

I was frustrated because I felt so exhausted but knew that I didn't get anything that I wanted done. I was stressed because the thoughts of all that there was to do wouldn't cease from circling around in my brain.

The day almost over I had a choice. Take the time to maybe get one thing marked off of that dooming list, or spend it sharing something I loved with someone I love.

When I finished reading that one hundred year old story and saw the light of learning in the young boy's eyes, my spirits were lifted.

Then I heard the gentle reminder as peace replaced my throbbing head.

These are the things that matter. 

The to do list will remain, but the moment of opportunity to grow closer to someone that will forever be a special part of my life will be here and gone.

I hope to remember that more every day.

I had a dream

In my dream the sky was falling, the world was coming to an end.

All I can remember thinking as I gazed at the sky, knowing that I would soon see Jesus face to face was "I wish that He would have found me in a better place."

I wasn't thinking of anything else but how self-centered I had been living my life the moment that He came back. I remember regret flooding my soul.

When I awoke, I was unable to get my dream out of my head. 

I knew what it meant to me, I knew that it was more than just a dream. It was a wake up call.

When I opened my bible to read a few hours later, I did one of those randomly-flip-the-bible-open-and-read-the-first-verses-I-see kind of things.

What I read was this passage from 2 Peter 3:10-14.

But the day of the Lord shall come as a thief in the night; in which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up. 

Seeing then that all these things shall be dissolved, what manner of persons ought ye to be in all holy conversations and godliness, 

Looking for and hasting unto the coming of the day of God, wherein the heavens being on fire shall be dissolved, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat? 

Nevertheless we, according to His promise, look for new heavens and new earth, wherein dwell righteousness. 

Wherefore, beloved, seeing that ye look for such things, be diligent that you may be found of Him in peace, without spot, and blameless.

It was then that He had my attention. I took a good look at my life and decided that I didn't want Jesus, upon His return, to find me as I was. 

I had become far to wrapped up in things of this world, things that are temporary.
Things that steal parts of my heart that should belong to only One.

It was an immediate resolve that lasted a few moments of my day before I was seduced back into the life that I had been used to living.

Being the carnal being that I am, it is a constant battle every day even just to remember. One day I will be caught up to heaven, and the only thing that will really matter are the things that I did and the person that I was for Jesus. Everything else, will be gone. 

These past couple of days I have been reminded of my dream.

I know that there are lots of things, not necessarily huge or dramatic, but little things in my life that I could change to become closer to being the person that I want Jesus to find.
It is so easy for me to only see the now, instead of looking at life from an eternal perspective.

If I did, my life would radically change.

The reason I stay

Post from "Breathe Deep".

I am sitting here in blissful silence. Actually... it was blissful silence two seconds ago. Now I am listening to one of my sisters (who will not be named) burping like a million times at the top of the stairs.
There. Now it is... oh wait. Never mind.  
* Leaves to go see why little brother is crying.
Well, I can always hope for a little bit of silence right!? Apparently there will be none of it right now though as the little kiddoes are "going to bed" in the next room. :)
Such is the life of living in a large family.

It may have occurred to all of you that I never write posts about why I stay at home. Why I choose to live with my family instead of venturing out and finding myself, by myself in this wild wonderful world.

I know that it is the unspoken question that burns in some people's minds when they see me, twenty-four years old with no college education, no career, seemingly no calling.
I guess I have not written about it because it is difficult to explain without the label of "stay at home daughter". I dislike that title because it has become so misrepresented, and so distasteful.

When I come across someone new that asks me what I do for a living and I tell them about the way that I live, the reactions I get are often disturbing. Though most try to hide it, they act like they are disgusted with the idea that I, as a single collage/career age woman, am still living with my family.
I guess this has caused a bit of insecurity for me over the years and I did at a point in my life question whether I was doing the right thing by remaining at home.
I started to freak out when I looked back at my life and saw a lot of nothing, and felt like I wasn't doing my part in God's kingdom.

It took a lot of soul searching for me to come to peace with this season that I am called to live. It took a lot of prayers and tears to reach the place that I feel like I can write about this with firm conviction.

Now let me begin by saying this.
This is MY calling.
This is not something that I preach, because I want everyone to live in a way that God has called them to live. And the reason I am writing this post is because I want everyone to see beyond the surface and into the heart of why I do what I do and why I am who I am.

Family values. They are so important. My dad is the head of our home, he is the one that answers to God for our big crazy family. It is important to him that his daughters remain under his protection until they can be placed under the headship of another man through the covenant of marriage.
Now, before you all start throwing the rotten tomatoes and make accusations about brain washings and equality and such, let me say my piece.

To me, this home is not a prison. It is not a place that I am held against my will. I was not forced to accept the fact that I was to remain at home.
This is something that I want.
This is a season in which I am called to stand still.

I used to be afraid that maybe I was taking the easy way out. But you know, this is hard. It is not easy to stand strong and stay even though the world and all it's expectations of young woman these days are flowing past me in a rush to live fast and loud.
It takes courage to go against every thing that the world is screaming I must do.

I have been learning so much this past little while. And one of those things is to grab hold of every season that I am in and live it to the very fullest.
Some may feel sorry for me, and hope for better things for me. But I have found that there is better now.

I am very aware that one day I will wake up and find that this season is over and it is time to move on. I realize that this is a very unique time in which I have an opportunity to give my heart and soul completely to knowing Christ and building a foundation in Him which I will rely upon to stand strong, to build upon for the rest of my life.

I see God's wisdom in His calling. There are things that I needed (and still need) to work on in my life that demanded my full attention.
A quiet heart.
A still mind.

My biggest revelation of late is that living for God does not necessarily always mean that I should be doing something physical for Him that has visible results, something that has a big impact on this world. Sometimes living for Him requires quiet obedience and full surrender. Living in faith until I can see that next step.
My life right now may seem like it is on hold to those outside looking in. But what they can't see is the growth that is taking place in my heart. The spiritual preparation for the journey that He will take me on in the next season of my life.

And so I am happily here. Where I firmly believe God has called me to be at this time.
Now the house is truly quiet as the entire family has gone to snuggle with their blankets and pillows in their warm, cozy beds.
Which, now that I mentioned it, sounds quite amazing.
Oh, hear that?
It is my bed calling my name.
Goodnight.

Limitless

Doubt sees a mountain no way around it.

Faith sees a victory no doubt about it.

Fear sees the ceiling, hope sees the stars.

Love be the light inside of our hearts.

Limitless. That is the name of the song that the above quote comes from. The song talks about how we are limitless in Christ because we have the power of His love in our hearts. We are limitless because we belong to One who knows no limits. 

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Especially recently.

Do me a favour and think about that one thing that you struggle the most with in your life. I've got one of those, many of us has one of those things that kick us to the ground everyday. 

Maybe you are like me and experience victory over your struggle for a time, but then somehow find yourself right back where you started.

I am in the place of beginning again. My biggest struggle is finding the faith to make that first step. It is a risk every time to make the choice to believe that this time, I will triumph, I will be freed. 

It is hard to ignore the little voice inside that tells me "What makes this any different then the last time that you tried, you will be back here again." 

But today I chose to look at the truth. The truth says that I have the ability in Christ to conquer this. He holds our freedom in His hands, he wants us to find it, to run to it and to claim it for ourselves. 

It is a comfort to me to know that whatever I am facing, I can do it. 

He said so.

We were listening to the radio in the way home from church yesterday and Reverand J. John was preaching. He said something that I wrote down because I knew I didn't want to forget it. It was this:

When David saw Goliath he had two possible reactions. "He is really big, I better run away." or "He is really big, how can I miss?"

We can hit our giants and make them fall because we have the potential in Christ. The same power that rose Jesus from the grave. The same power that healed the sick, raised the dead, lives inside of you and me. When we realize this truly, that giant will look more like an easy target than something that will not be defeated. 

So, will you join me on this journey to freedom?

Now thanks be unto God, who always causeth us to trumph in Christ.

 2 Corinthians 2:14a

Brave

You make me brave. These words have been circulating in my brain trying to make entrance into my heart these past couple of days.

It has been a while since I last wrote what was supposed to be daily thought scribblings. I guess you could say that I lost sight of this dream for a little while. Lost faith in it.

But here I am again. 

Trying to be brave. 

Trying to learn how to let go of perfection and the fear of what other people think of the mess I am.

Trying to see that Jesus can make the mess beautiful.

If the truth is to be told, I have been running away from the things that I know, now know without a doubt, that He is calling me to do. Not only regarding this, but also other areas of my life.

In the running He has taught me so much about Who He is. Even in my desperate attempts to avoid acknowledging any Jesus in my life, I have fallen deeper in love.

What a good, good Father.

So today I jump in with two feet. Come what may, this is about me saying "Yes". This is about me being obedient to His voice.

09•24•15

I saw Jesus today.

I saw Him in the smile of a lively, newly awakened baby boy.

I saw Him in the colors of the leaves on the trees. Beauty created from death.

I saw Him in the sparkle of a little ones eye as he begins to explore the adventures of learning. 

I saw Him in those still moments amidst the chaos that enveloped our home today.

I saw Him in the small wonders.

The little victories.

I saw Him in the rememberance of a day called yesterday, the joys, the crazy, and the revelation of His guiding hand.

I saw Him in my weakness, and providence of His strength. 

I saw the answered prayers, I saw a new life beginning. I saw a flower blossoming. 

In my every day today, I saw Jesus. 

09•22•15

I've got to be honest. Tonight I have been looking online for journaling prompts because the inspiration just isn't with me right now. Only about a week into writing this online journal and already I have experienced writer's block.

This leaves me wondering, should I really be doing this? Is this really something that is going to be beneficial or is it just another one of those ideas that I get so often, the kind that don't work out.
I mean, it is crazy right? I already have a blog that I have a hard time writing on a maximum of once a week, and here I am trying to start a new blog... writing once a day?

Yet, somehow I just cannot let this idea go. Maybe that is what this whole mini adventure will become for me, learning to let go. Learning not to plan my own adventures, but to leave my plans in the palm of God's hands. Or maybe it will be a lesson on humility, coming to an understanding that it is okay to sometimes be bad at what I love to do. Or it could be part of my journey in letting go of control, becoming one that can live by faith moment by moment.

It may seem like such a small thing, this blog. But it is really the first thing that I have embarked on alone. I am quite used to the support that I have in my life. I have become accustomed to reassurances, talking things through with my friends or family. Even those affirming "likes" or kind words of encouragement from those that are only acquaintances, or those I have never met.
But no one knows. I have not talked to anyone about this. I have not asked anyone if they think this is a bad idea.

And it kind of terrifies me. This is new to me.
Every time I press that publish button it takes a little bit of faith. It is a new venture for me to write and post without thinking about what the response will be. To force myself to create sentences on those days that I don't feel like it.

Maybe some of you can relate. Is there something in your lives that you are unsure of, but are doing just because you have an inkling that God might be calling you to do something that scares you? I am not going to give up yet, come what may. At least, not until I hear clearly that it is time to let go.
Will you?

09•21•15

It is getting late and unfortunately I didn't find the time to write today. So instead of writing my own words,  I want to leave you with a tiny portion of scripture I read this morning that really encouraged me and reminded me that in Christ, whatever situation I face, I can come through a winner. 

Now thanks be to God who always causes us to triumph in Christ. 2 Corinthians 2:14a

Never Alone

In church this morning, worshiping in song, I heard whisperings of a promise from the recipient of our praise.

It wasn't a promise that I had never heard before, rather a gentle reminder of one that had been already given, through the lyrics of the songs that we were singing.

I am not alone. I am Yours, You are mine. I know that You will be with me. You've never failed, and You won't start now.

Words that spoke of His enduring presence in my life.

In that moment, I took a quick trip down memory lane to see those words ring true in my wanderings. The only constant has been Jesus. His love, mercy, grace... His presence.

The greatest blessing is knowing that no matter what may come in life, no matter what I will face or how deep the waters become, I am never alone. There is always someone there who knows me, knows exactly what I am going through and how I feel.

To hold the steady love of Christ in the palm of my hand is powerful. I know that He will always be there should I need an extra bit of loving, a strong hand to lift me up, or even just a friend to talk to.

He is my forever. My constant. My one and only. He will always stay.

Slipping

Yesterday was one of those days. You know the kind. The one where you are enjoying the life that you have been living, you begin your morning grateful that you have been able to stay on track, and your heart smiles because you know that you have made great strides in climbing the mountain that looms before you in your life. Then you make a mistake. Your euphoria disappears and you are left wanting nothing more then to disappear with it.

The mistake days. You have slipped and now are left with a choice.

You can do what I have done so many times in my past. Continue the pattern of mistake making and create an avalanche out of that one little slip, finding yourself sliding all the way back to the bottom of the mountain, more damaged then when you began.

Or you can recognized that you have fallen, determine to get back up, retrace those few steps lost, and continue up the mountain.

Yesterday I was able to get back up on my feet, ask for forgiveness, and continue on. It is so hard to make that choice in the moment. It is so easy to just think "Well, I have already made a mistake, so another one wouldn't do to much damage.", then before you know what is happening the one mistake moment turns into mistake weeks, mistake months, and mistake years. Soon our new years resolutions are not even enough to get us climbing that mountain again.

I have been there. I have felt that impossibility. I know.

But I also know the other side. Because these last few weeks, I have fallen many times, but have been able to find the courage in Christ to get back on my feet again. It takes forgiving yourself, not feeling condemnation in the shame of your slip, and accepting the mercy and grace that Christ is reaching out to give you.

It is not easy. As I said earlier, in the moment, it feels impossible. Because it is, without grabbing hold of the strength we have in Christ. But every time you find yourself climbing that mountain again after a slip, it will give you God-confidence. Not confidence in yourself, but confidence that God will be there to help you get back up and keep you moving when you fall.

Don't let one slip become an avalanche.

What If We Were Real?

I love Mandisa's music. Especially her album "Stronger". I listened to it over and over when I would go for a run. I mean, who wouldn't want to listen to the words "Hold on just a little bit longer, this is going to make you stronger!" when you are pounding dirt on your final mile? I also had a dear friend run alongside and play the song "Overcomer" for me when I was running a half-marathon for the first time. Needless to say, the music holds a lot of great memories. Victory moments.

One of this artist's songs holds words that say this;

What if I shared my brokenness, what if you shared how you feel? What if we weren't afraid of this crazy mess? What if we were real?

I still haven't found the courage to make this blog public to my friends, and people that I know. I think it is because of the deep vulnerability and raw realness that I have to portray to make it work. To be real to myself and relate-able to my readers.

When the above lyrics were circulating in my head this morning (you know, in that annoying, song-is-stuck-in-my-head kind of way), I began to think "Ya, what if we were real?". What if everyone was honest about themselves and didn't always find a need to but on a show so that the people they share their life with wouldn't see their struggle?

(Don't get me wrong, I in no means am referring to the kind of "real" that has one constantly complaining. I am talking sharing struggles for the benefit and uplifting of others.)

I think we do, I do such a grand job of hiding the real person that I am. Building walls around the heartache and hardship so that others don't see the struggle. Hiding the testimony that I could share with the ones dealing with the same bondage because I am ashamed of the mess I created to reach freedom. Not admitting to brokenness because of the fear that people will see me differently.

Showing vulnerability is not easy. It is hard to turn your heart inside out and make visible the mess that is inside.

But you don't have the beauty without the broken.

The Me You Made

My struggle began when I took a good look at myself one day and decided that I didn't like me. I thought that I was undesirable, and that no-one could possibly love me the way that I was. I began walking the destructive road of change.

It would have been okay if the change I was trying to make was one that would create a better version of who I was. But that wasn't the case, I was trying to be an entirely different person.

It took me a couple of years of heading in the wrong direction to begin learning the lesson, the one that I am still learning.

The lesson is this. God made me who I am for a reason. He didn't make any mistakes when he was forming my personality, my character, the person that I am. He wants to use me as He created me for the special life that He planned for me to live.

When I tried to change who I was, I was not only robbing myself of my purpose, but I was also robbing the people God placed in my life of the person that He placed in their lives.

When I began to embrace all that I am, all my flaws, my gifts, even my annoying quirks, I found true joy. I no longer struggled with depression and heartache. I became closer to my family and friends, because I was finally being the person that they loved again.

God has a purpose for every single human being that He created. To live life without that purpose, thinking that we need to change in hopes that we will find love and acceptance is an empty life to live. I still struggle sometimes with believing that God would want to use someone like me. I argue with him from time to time asking Him how He could want to take a blonde, crazy, scatterbrained, struggling woman like me and trust me to go about His work.

Romans 9:20 says;

But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, “Why have you made me like this?” 

If I truly believe that God is sovereign and that there is no fault in Him, then I ought to embrace who He made me to be. I am His precious masterpiece. I am worthy to be used by God, because He said so.

Yes, continue to work at being the best version of yourself for Christ. Just make sure that you are still being you. He loves you the way you are because He made you to be that way.

In My Closet

My closet is a mess.  

There are so many clothing items in there that I never wear, but hold on to. I put off sorting through my clothes, but not for the reason of being lazy, or procrastination (though, if I were to be honest, I do succumb to those vices from time to time) but rather because of an emotional block that I have been fighting with for years.

Once upon a time I was a lighthearted, ever joyful eighteen year old. Then suddenly I began to see the world through different eyes, and my conscious began to turn to self. Instead of being the young woman that was ready to take on the world, I began to sink into a pattern of thinking that destroyed who I was.

Before I knew what was happening, I said "Goodbye" to the innocence and joy, and became someone that I was never meant to be.

Though I have made strides to once again be the woman that God has created me to be, I still struggle to get back.

My closet, those clothes that my former self used to wear reminded me of her. Reminded me of who I wanted to be. So I held on. I tried to become her again. I wanted to become her again.

But slowly I have come to realize that I can't go back. I will never again find that innocence that I once possessed. And because of the miles that I have journeyed on I have changed. I have learned things that only come through trial. And I can never have that baby faced heart again.

For a time I tried to retrace my steps and find her. But after the struggle proved futile, I came to realize that I don't want to be her anymore. Yes, I still desire to be like her, but now with a new found strength and wisdom, I don't fit into those little girl shoes anymore.

Yet, I still put off cleaning that closet. It seems like such a simple thing, but those shelves hold so much more then clothes. They hold a tear stained, long and painful journey that I will have to revisit. The emotion of letting go is not one I am eager to feel.

But as I place the skirt that I wore when I was the girl I wanted to be, that shirt that I wore when I first tried to purge, or the jeans that I was proud to finally be able to button again, in a place that is not my current wardrobe, I know that a weight will be lifted off of my shoulders.

The purpose for my struggle was not so that I could turn around and try to become who I was again. It was to make me a new person. To be stronger in Christ. To shine with a new light.

It is time to clean my closet.

One

I have always wanted to begin an online daily journal. A place where I can just share my heart, be myself without worrying about what the response may be.

I love to write. Writing is my outlet, my fuel... does more for me then coffee let me tell you. :)

Today I am beginning a journey. This journey is about what the title of my blog says, awakening my heart. Sometimes I feel like I am in this state of just going through the motions and not being aware of all the things that are passing by in life. Things that God wants me to conquer, to grab a hold of, to enjoy, to become.

I feel like there is more. I could be more.

I know the steps that I need to take in order to begin down this path. This is Day One.

In this journal, I plan to be very vague about my struggles, yet clear enough so that those who are readers can relate.

The greatest thing that I have learned is that I am not alone. There are people out there who go through the same struggles. And my prayer for this journal is to help people see that. To be encouraged that there is hope. There is a victory waiting around the corner. I believe it.

Are you ready to join me?