09•24•15

I saw Jesus today.

I saw Him in the smile of a lively, newly awakened baby boy.

I saw Him in the colors of the leaves on the trees. Beauty created from death.

I saw Him in the sparkle of a little ones eye as he begins to explore the adventures of learning. 

I saw Him in those still moments amidst the chaos that enveloped our home today.

I saw Him in the small wonders.

The little victories.

I saw Him in the rememberance of a day called yesterday, the joys, the crazy, and the revelation of His guiding hand.

I saw Him in my weakness, and providence of His strength. 

I saw the answered prayers, I saw a new life beginning. I saw a flower blossoming. 

In my every day today, I saw Jesus. 

09•22•15

I've got to be honest. Tonight I have been looking online for journaling prompts because the inspiration just isn't with me right now. Only about a week into writing this online journal and already I have experienced writer's block.

This leaves me wondering, should I really be doing this? Is this really something that is going to be beneficial or is it just another one of those ideas that I get so often, the kind that don't work out.
I mean, it is crazy right? I already have a blog that I have a hard time writing on a maximum of once a week, and here I am trying to start a new blog... writing once a day?

Yet, somehow I just cannot let this idea go. Maybe that is what this whole mini adventure will become for me, learning to let go. Learning not to plan my own adventures, but to leave my plans in the palm of God's hands. Or maybe it will be a lesson on humility, coming to an understanding that it is okay to sometimes be bad at what I love to do. Or it could be part of my journey in letting go of control, becoming one that can live by faith moment by moment.

It may seem like such a small thing, this blog. But it is really the first thing that I have embarked on alone. I am quite used to the support that I have in my life. I have become accustomed to reassurances, talking things through with my friends or family. Even those affirming "likes" or kind words of encouragement from those that are only acquaintances, or those I have never met.
But no one knows. I have not talked to anyone about this. I have not asked anyone if they think this is a bad idea.

And it kind of terrifies me. This is new to me.
Every time I press that publish button it takes a little bit of faith. It is a new venture for me to write and post without thinking about what the response will be. To force myself to create sentences on those days that I don't feel like it.

Maybe some of you can relate. Is there something in your lives that you are unsure of, but are doing just because you have an inkling that God might be calling you to do something that scares you? I am not going to give up yet, come what may. At least, not until I hear clearly that it is time to let go.
Will you?

09•21•15

It is getting late and unfortunately I didn't find the time to write today. So instead of writing my own words,  I want to leave you with a tiny portion of scripture I read this morning that really encouraged me and reminded me that in Christ, whatever situation I face, I can come through a winner. 

Now thanks be to God who always causes us to triumph in Christ. 2 Corinthians 2:14a

Never Alone

In church this morning, worshiping in song, I heard whisperings of a promise from the recipient of our praise.

It wasn't a promise that I had never heard before, rather a gentle reminder of one that had been already given, through the lyrics of the songs that we were singing.

I am not alone. I am Yours, You are mine. I know that You will be with me. You've never failed, and You won't start now.

Words that spoke of His enduring presence in my life.

In that moment, I took a quick trip down memory lane to see those words ring true in my wanderings. The only constant has been Jesus. His love, mercy, grace... His presence.

The greatest blessing is knowing that no matter what may come in life, no matter what I will face or how deep the waters become, I am never alone. There is always someone there who knows me, knows exactly what I am going through and how I feel.

To hold the steady love of Christ in the palm of my hand is powerful. I know that He will always be there should I need an extra bit of loving, a strong hand to lift me up, or even just a friend to talk to.

He is my forever. My constant. My one and only. He will always stay.

Slipping

Yesterday was one of those days. You know the kind. The one where you are enjoying the life that you have been living, you begin your morning grateful that you have been able to stay on track, and your heart smiles because you know that you have made great strides in climbing the mountain that looms before you in your life. Then you make a mistake. Your euphoria disappears and you are left wanting nothing more then to disappear with it.

The mistake days. You have slipped and now are left with a choice.

You can do what I have done so many times in my past. Continue the pattern of mistake making and create an avalanche out of that one little slip, finding yourself sliding all the way back to the bottom of the mountain, more damaged then when you began.

Or you can recognized that you have fallen, determine to get back up, retrace those few steps lost, and continue up the mountain.

Yesterday I was able to get back up on my feet, ask for forgiveness, and continue on. It is so hard to make that choice in the moment. It is so easy to just think "Well, I have already made a mistake, so another one wouldn't do to much damage.", then before you know what is happening the one mistake moment turns into mistake weeks, mistake months, and mistake years. Soon our new years resolutions are not even enough to get us climbing that mountain again.

I have been there. I have felt that impossibility. I know.

But I also know the other side. Because these last few weeks, I have fallen many times, but have been able to find the courage in Christ to get back on my feet again. It takes forgiving yourself, not feeling condemnation in the shame of your slip, and accepting the mercy and grace that Christ is reaching out to give you.

It is not easy. As I said earlier, in the moment, it feels impossible. Because it is, without grabbing hold of the strength we have in Christ. But every time you find yourself climbing that mountain again after a slip, it will give you God-confidence. Not confidence in yourself, but confidence that God will be there to help you get back up and keep you moving when you fall.

Don't let one slip become an avalanche.

What If We Were Real?

I love Mandisa's music. Especially her album "Stronger". I listened to it over and over when I would go for a run. I mean, who wouldn't want to listen to the words "Hold on just a little bit longer, this is going to make you stronger!" when you are pounding dirt on your final mile? I also had a dear friend run alongside and play the song "Overcomer" for me when I was running a half-marathon for the first time. Needless to say, the music holds a lot of great memories. Victory moments.

One of this artist's songs holds words that say this;

What if I shared my brokenness, what if you shared how you feel? What if we weren't afraid of this crazy mess? What if we were real?

I still haven't found the courage to make this blog public to my friends, and people that I know. I think it is because of the deep vulnerability and raw realness that I have to portray to make it work. To be real to myself and relate-able to my readers.

When the above lyrics were circulating in my head this morning (you know, in that annoying, song-is-stuck-in-my-head kind of way), I began to think "Ya, what if we were real?". What if everyone was honest about themselves and didn't always find a need to but on a show so that the people they share their life with wouldn't see their struggle?

(Don't get me wrong, I in no means am referring to the kind of "real" that has one constantly complaining. I am talking sharing struggles for the benefit and uplifting of others.)

I think we do, I do such a grand job of hiding the real person that I am. Building walls around the heartache and hardship so that others don't see the struggle. Hiding the testimony that I could share with the ones dealing with the same bondage because I am ashamed of the mess I created to reach freedom. Not admitting to brokenness because of the fear that people will see me differently.

Showing vulnerability is not easy. It is hard to turn your heart inside out and make visible the mess that is inside.

But you don't have the beauty without the broken.

The Me You Made

My struggle began when I took a good look at myself one day and decided that I didn't like me. I thought that I was undesirable, and that no-one could possibly love me the way that I was. I began walking the destructive road of change.

It would have been okay if the change I was trying to make was one that would create a better version of who I was. But that wasn't the case, I was trying to be an entirely different person.

It took me a couple of years of heading in the wrong direction to begin learning the lesson, the one that I am still learning.

The lesson is this. God made me who I am for a reason. He didn't make any mistakes when he was forming my personality, my character, the person that I am. He wants to use me as He created me for the special life that He planned for me to live.

When I tried to change who I was, I was not only robbing myself of my purpose, but I was also robbing the people God placed in my life of the person that He placed in their lives.

When I began to embrace all that I am, all my flaws, my gifts, even my annoying quirks, I found true joy. I no longer struggled with depression and heartache. I became closer to my family and friends, because I was finally being the person that they loved again.

God has a purpose for every single human being that He created. To live life without that purpose, thinking that we need to change in hopes that we will find love and acceptance is an empty life to live. I still struggle sometimes with believing that God would want to use someone like me. I argue with him from time to time asking Him how He could want to take a blonde, crazy, scatterbrained, struggling woman like me and trust me to go about His work.

Romans 9:20 says;

But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, “Why have you made me like this?” 

If I truly believe that God is sovereign and that there is no fault in Him, then I ought to embrace who He made me to be. I am His precious masterpiece. I am worthy to be used by God, because He said so.

Yes, continue to work at being the best version of yourself for Christ. Just make sure that you are still being you. He loves you the way you are because He made you to be that way.

In My Closet

My closet is a mess.  

There are so many clothing items in there that I never wear, but hold on to. I put off sorting through my clothes, but not for the reason of being lazy, or procrastination (though, if I were to be honest, I do succumb to those vices from time to time) but rather because of an emotional block that I have been fighting with for years.

Once upon a time I was a lighthearted, ever joyful eighteen year old. Then suddenly I began to see the world through different eyes, and my conscious began to turn to self. Instead of being the young woman that was ready to take on the world, I began to sink into a pattern of thinking that destroyed who I was.

Before I knew what was happening, I said "Goodbye" to the innocence and joy, and became someone that I was never meant to be.

Though I have made strides to once again be the woman that God has created me to be, I still struggle to get back.

My closet, those clothes that my former self used to wear reminded me of her. Reminded me of who I wanted to be. So I held on. I tried to become her again. I wanted to become her again.

But slowly I have come to realize that I can't go back. I will never again find that innocence that I once possessed. And because of the miles that I have journeyed on I have changed. I have learned things that only come through trial. And I can never have that baby faced heart again.

For a time I tried to retrace my steps and find her. But after the struggle proved futile, I came to realize that I don't want to be her anymore. Yes, I still desire to be like her, but now with a new found strength and wisdom, I don't fit into those little girl shoes anymore.

Yet, I still put off cleaning that closet. It seems like such a simple thing, but those shelves hold so much more then clothes. They hold a tear stained, long and painful journey that I will have to revisit. The emotion of letting go is not one I am eager to feel.

But as I place the skirt that I wore when I was the girl I wanted to be, that shirt that I wore when I first tried to purge, or the jeans that I was proud to finally be able to button again, in a place that is not my current wardrobe, I know that a weight will be lifted off of my shoulders.

The purpose for my struggle was not so that I could turn around and try to become who I was again. It was to make me a new person. To be stronger in Christ. To shine with a new light.

It is time to clean my closet.

One

I have always wanted to begin an online daily journal. A place where I can just share my heart, be myself without worrying about what the response may be.

I love to write. Writing is my outlet, my fuel... does more for me then coffee let me tell you. :)

Today I am beginning a journey. This journey is about what the title of my blog says, awakening my heart. Sometimes I feel like I am in this state of just going through the motions and not being aware of all the things that are passing by in life. Things that God wants me to conquer, to grab a hold of, to enjoy, to become.

I feel like there is more. I could be more.

I know the steps that I need to take in order to begin down this path. This is Day One.

In this journal, I plan to be very vague about my struggles, yet clear enough so that those who are readers can relate.

The greatest thing that I have learned is that I am not alone. There are people out there who go through the same struggles. And my prayer for this journal is to help people see that. To be encouraged that there is hope. There is a victory waiting around the corner. I believe it.

Are you ready to join me?