This was the biggest reason that I was afraid to start this blog. Because I know myself. I am an all in or all out kind of a girl and I knew that if I hit a rough patch, I would shut down and not write here.
The truth is, I did not write anywhere. For the first time since I was a ten year old girl scribbling the day's events in my little notebook, I did not write for over two months.
Being a person that writes to figure out my feelings, to communicate with God, to let out thoughts that I cannot share with anyone, it has been a stifling season.
Every day I thought about writing. But every day I ignored the desire in order that I could flee the process of feeling, deeply feeling. Instead I stuffed everything. I just wanted to survive. So all of the things that make me feel, make me hurt, I ran away from.
To be honest, now looking back, I can see that I have missed out on an amazing journey that God was wanting to walk me through. One that would have made me stronger and caused me to grow so much in my faith, and in becoming who He called me to be. Now I know that the pain I could have been feeling was pain that would have made gold in my life.
I regret hiding.
But now it is time for me to do more than regret. It is time to breech the wall that I put up and say "yes" again. To once again surrender my life to be part of God's plan.
But He knows the way that I take:
when He has tried me, I will come forth as gold.
Job 23:10
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