In My Closet

My closet is a mess.  

There are so many clothing items in there that I never wear, but hold on to. I put off sorting through my clothes, but not for the reason of being lazy, or procrastination (though, if I were to be honest, I do succumb to those vices from time to time) but rather because of an emotional block that I have been fighting with for years.

Once upon a time I was a lighthearted, ever joyful eighteen year old. Then suddenly I began to see the world through different eyes, and my conscious began to turn to self. Instead of being the young woman that was ready to take on the world, I began to sink into a pattern of thinking that destroyed who I was.

Before I knew what was happening, I said "Goodbye" to the innocence and joy, and became someone that I was never meant to be.

Though I have made strides to once again be the woman that God has created me to be, I still struggle to get back.

My closet, those clothes that my former self used to wear reminded me of her. Reminded me of who I wanted to be. So I held on. I tried to become her again. I wanted to become her again.

But slowly I have come to realize that I can't go back. I will never again find that innocence that I once possessed. And because of the miles that I have journeyed on I have changed. I have learned things that only come through trial. And I can never have that baby faced heart again.

For a time I tried to retrace my steps and find her. But after the struggle proved futile, I came to realize that I don't want to be her anymore. Yes, I still desire to be like her, but now with a new found strength and wisdom, I don't fit into those little girl shoes anymore.

Yet, I still put off cleaning that closet. It seems like such a simple thing, but those shelves hold so much more then clothes. They hold a tear stained, long and painful journey that I will have to revisit. The emotion of letting go is not one I am eager to feel.

But as I place the skirt that I wore when I was the girl I wanted to be, that shirt that I wore when I first tried to purge, or the jeans that I was proud to finally be able to button again, in a place that is not my current wardrobe, I know that a weight will be lifted off of my shoulders.

The purpose for my struggle was not so that I could turn around and try to become who I was again. It was to make me a new person. To be stronger in Christ. To shine with a new light.

It is time to clean my closet.