06•09•16

It has been awhile since my thoughts have reached this blog site. I am being honest when I say that I have been very busy and have just not had the time. 

But there are some things that I am working on making time for, and I believe that this blog is one of them.

I sure didn't plan on neglecting it when it started! But, that is the thing with plans, they don't always work out the way that we expected them to!

This evening I was feeling a bit discouraged. There is something that God has put on my heart to do, to surrender something that I have been holding on to so tightly. You could go so far as to call it an idol in my life.

I felt myself begin to take the path of escape, running away from what I knew God wanted me to do. As I was still this evening I recognized what I was doing and knew that I needed to stop before things got out of hand.

Still I argued with God, the thing He is asking me to do is not easy.

It was denying my flesh, right in the place where it would hurt the most. 

I could feel though, that something was missing from my life. Things have been going well, and I have made huge strides in the right direction these past couple of months, yet I felt like there was another step I needed to take. To go to the next level. 

As I was thinking about all of this, I opened my bible and read these verses from 1 Peter 4:1-2...

Forasmuch then as Christ has suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves likewise with the same mind: for He that hath suffered in the flesh hath ceased from sin.

That he no longer should live in the rest of his time in the flesh to the lusts of men, but to the will of God.

It just hit me, God was saying that yes, denying myself may cause suffering... But that suffering will lead me to His will. And that is the thing I have been seeking these past couple of months.

Tonight I decided to finally surrender, that I might have a better ending.

Maybe there is something in your life that God has been calling you to do, but you have put it off because it is painful. Just keep in mind as I have tonight that God only asks us to do things that will bring blessing into our lives. Yes, maybe painful when you are walking through it, but joy waits for you on the other side.

Breathe

When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers,

 The moon and the stars, which You have ordained,

What is man that you are mindful of him,

 and the son of man that You visit him?

I read this passage of scripture this morning from Psalms chapter eight. 

As I was doing the chores outside a little later, I stopped in the middle of the corral while checking the cows and was still for a moment.

The sun, warmed my face. The birds sang in the trees. Geese flew above me making a noise about something that disturbed their resting place. Tractors rumbled, headed to the fields for another long day of work. Cows munched on hay as they ate their breakfast. The wind blew softly, making music in the branches of the evergreens.

I breathed. 

I thanked God for another beautiful day.

I remembered that the God who made all of this beauty that I was able to stop and enjoy, was the same God that thinks of me.

My heart was happy.

Can't Cry

When I was a teenager, I was a crier. Any emotion I felt would come out in tears. I couldn't have a serious conversation without bawling. If a pet died, I cried without shame. If I was having a bad day, I would cry and just let it all out. And I was always the first to cry during touching scenes in movies.

Then I grew up and tried to be strong. I really don't know how it happened, but tears became rare. To me, tears were a sign of weakness, and I didn't like to feel weak.

Tears are thoughts worn on the face. Tears are vulnerability. Tears are feelings.

There was a time in my life when I didn't want to feel anything. So I shut off the emotion and the tears stopped flowing.
But that came with a price.
Tears can show the emotion of joy and sorrow.
Sure, I didn't feel the pain, but I also didn't feel the joy.

I think one of the darkest moments in my life was when I found that I couldn't cry anymore. So long had I trained my soul to blot out the showing of any emotion that part of me died.

It's not so much about the tears. It was just a symbol in my life that physically showed the kind of hurt that I was going through.
In shutting out feelings I was shutting out all that God wanted to teach me. Instead of living life with a purpose, I was just living life.

I still struggle to show emotion. But slowly, this heart is thawing, and God is resurrecting in me things that I thought I would never get back.

Her Story

She looked past the darkness and heard a voice say, "Return to me".
Though many other voices surrounding her called to her soul, she was drawn to the one who spoke life alone.

She took one step and He came running. She fell to her knees and shielded her eyes from the glorious light that was drawing near her. She could hardly stand the weight of His nearness, she didn't deserve this grace, her shame pushed her to the ground and caused doubt to overtake her heart.
Though her eyes were covered, she could feel His presence, His love, and she cried.

"How could you love me still?", she whispered, still afraid to surrender, to fall into the arms that she knew were open wide.
He would not force her to come, but would continue to shower her with the knowledge of what her life could be like in Him, and overwhelm her with His mercy.

"Let me return and fix the mess I've made, then I will be ready."
"My child, I want you as you are. It is when you are weak that I am strong. Come, and let me heal your brokenness."

She opened her eyes, and the warm glow of a smile shone on her face as she finally surrendered and melted into His embrace.
He smiled down on her as he gathered her tears.

Be Willing

I was reading in Exodus today. You know all of those verses that talk about building the tabernacle, telling how wide this is and what material to use to create that. Well, I found a gem in there today.

There is a portion of scripture in the middle of all that, where God asks Moses to tell everyone that is willing to donate items, money, and time to the cause of building the tabernacle. The emphasis on "willing" was very obvious and repetitive.

Looking at my life, I have noticed that I have been in a place where I am basically waiting for God to force me to surrender. Like, begging God to make me give myself fully to Him.
But this morning, I had an epiphany. What God wants from me is willingness. He doesn't need a puppet. He won't force me to surrender and be obedient, even if that is what I pray for.

A willing heart is the first step into building the tabernacle of a life useful for God's glory.
He calls for me to willingly lay all that I have at His feet; so He can use it to bring good in my life.

A willing heart is faith. Faith that God knows what He is buildng and that it will be good.

He is a good Father.
His calling is persistent, but gentle.
He will not force me into surrender, but He will not give up on me either.

From my journal

His promise

Let me be honest. I have a hard time finishing things. I am the type of person who will make a good start, go strong for a while, then loose focus and quit.

That is not fun for me to admit. And right now, it is my resolution to learn how to see things through to the end. To commit one hundred percent. 

It is painfully obvious that this blog is the thing that I am first to give up on when things get tough. 

I look back at the way I have been living life these past couple of months and am like, woah girl. You can do way better.

There is so much happy that I am passing by because of my refusal to be all in. 

Thank God for His promise. I take a trip down the lane of my memory and see His work. But I have so far to go. 

Just knowing that He is not finished with me yet gives me hope.