Over My Head

In Arizona right now.
I am sitting by the pool, soaking up the warm weather/sunshine.
We have been at our favourite campground for a week now, and are planning on staying another.

I have this, shall we say, love/hate relationship with the doing nothing and just relaxing.
I'm the type of person that likes to be doing things, but I also love just breathing. To have no agenda, no plans other than to take each day as it comes.

These past couple of days have been a bit of a struggle for me, because I have finally been still enough to think.
When I am as still as I have been, and thinking is basically all there is to do, every mountain appears larger. Every giant, more gigantic. Every fear, more fearful. Every situation, more glaring.

Neither is it all bad, because I become more thankful for every blessing. More trusting in the impossible. My faith grows.

I've had such a wide range of emotions.
I have felt stripped down, exposed.
Vulnerable.

Every vacation that we take as a family, I find my true self. This time around, I've not been liking what I am seeing.

I see in me a lot of things that need to be worked on, worked through.
I have a hard time finding my identity.

All of this because there are no distractions.
Just time.

But it is good, because I feel like today, I am finally in a good place. Finally where I can find myself. I can be honest. I can work on my imperfections.

One of my favorite songs right now is called "In Over My Head (Crash Over Me)" by Bethel Music & Jenn Johnson. I have been listening to it over and over these past couple of days, trying to convince myself to apply the truth of the words to my life.
I'll leave you with the song lyrics. Hopefully they speak to you as they have been to me.

I have come to this place in my life
I'm full but I've not satisfied
This longing to have more of You
And I can feel it my heart is convinced
I'm thirsty my soul can't be quenched
You already know this but still
Come and do whatever You want to

I'm standing knee deep but I'm out where I've never been
And I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind

Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in
Let love come teach me who You are again
Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You
And all I wanted was just to be with You
Come and do whatever You want to

And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours

Then You crash over me and I've lost control but I'm free
I'm going under, I'm in over my head
Then you crash over me, and that's where You want me to be
I'm going under, I'm in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head
I'm Beautifully in over my head
I'm Beautifully in over my head